Her smile
by Melirosa
Summary: Cartwills or Daren, whichever you prefer. So many things were still unsolved but life has to go on. Karen, Ivy and Derek find themselves working in a same musical again. Karen has always thought of Derek as a friend but they both start to finally realize what Ivy has been jealous for. Drama, tears and happy moments. What will happen to these three?
1. Didn't want to know

**Chapter 1 Didn't want to know**

_After the huge disappointment of Smash's ending I decided to write my own ending and turn things right although it wasn't too easy due all the things that went so wrong. (Karen and Jimmy & Derek and Ivy) This is my first fanfiction thing so be merciful but I would like to get some feedback and comments. I think I'll add a song to every chapter and put a link to it if you can find it from youtube but you can at least find all the songs from Spotify. I mean the songs to be listened while reading the text, but if you want to concentrate on the lyrics you can listen to them separately because they're meant to add something to the story. The part that concerns the song is marked between these: [B] [E]. Lastly I don't speak English as my native language so be understanding if something sounds funny. Hope you enjoy. _

"I feel nervous. It's weird isn't it? I mean I have done this many times before and I still feel nervous", Karen said straightening her clothes.

"It's fine. Many actors and actresses get nervous after thousands of performances. Besides you're going to be amazing up there", Ana said and nudged her playfully.

"I guess so and I always feel better when I'm on the stage", Karen said and Ana smiled.

"It's your last evening with Hit list so break a leg", Ana said and Karen stepped to the stage to face the bright lights.

Later at Table 46 Karen was standing among the other members of Hit list. She couldn't believe it was her last day with them. Of course she would see them again but working with them had been so great. Everybody else was chatting and laughing but somehow Karen felt a bit sad.

"Hello darling" familiar voice said and Karen turned to face smiling Derek.

"Hi Derek" she greeted cheerfully forgetting her sad thoughts.

Derek kissed her lightly on the cheek and ordered his usual.

"You were great as always" Derek said lifting the glass to his lips and Karen smiled at him.

"You're not going to add that your direction made the show even better?" Karen asked mockingly.

"Well that's obvious. I won a tony for it", Derek replied and Karen felt a hint of disappointment. She hadn't won, Ivy had. She shook the thought out of her head. Ivy deserved it and besides, it was amazing to even be nominated for her first role at Broadway.

"So what are you up to next?" Karen asked and Derek shrugged his shoulders.

"I have a project if they're going to hire me."

"Of course they are. It's like you said, they judge the work not the man. And you did the right thing after all", Karen said.

"Right thing…" Derek sighed and took another swig of the whiskey. "About that, I heard that the kid turned himself in. Maybe he's not so immature after all", Derek pointed out and Karen sighed.

"What do you even have against him? He's a good person."

"And I'm not? Ok, you don't have to answer that" Derek grinned and Karen shook her head smiling.

"You are a good person if you want to be. Maybe that goes for Jimmy too."

"And you like him so you're not exactly the person to judge" Derek joked and Karen nudged him playfully.

"I'm going to take my words back, you're the meanest person on the face of this earth", Karen laughed and Derek smirked.

"So I'm worse than all the terrorists and criminals?"

Karen smiled. Derek was fun to talk to, well at least when he was in a mood for it. Sometimes he was a pain in the ass but he was still one of her best friends. It had took time to get to know him but he really wasn't so bad that most of the people thought. He just didn't care what other people thought of him or at least hadn't. He had changed after the scandal with Daisy.

"Karen?" Derek asked and Karen looked at him.

"Sorry I was just thinking about stuff. Did you say something?"

Derek looked at her for a moment and said: "I was asking if you had a next project to work on."

"I don't know yet. I've been asked to join a lot of shows but I still don't know what to do. None of them really inspire me but it's work and it's just amazing that I already have so many offers", Karen replied.

"You should have many offers, you're Karen Cartwright after all. But I was thinking that I would add another offer to the pile. The project I was working on is still casting stars and we're in need of three lead actors. The producers and writers thought of you and Ivy for the two main characters so I thought I'd ask you", Derek said and ordered another glass.

"Me and Ivy? Well maybe it would work. We wouldn't be competing for the same part this time. Is it a musical and what it's about?" Karen asked.

"It is and I think the idea is something like dealing with all the things we do for love. It sounds cheesy but it wasn't so bad", Derek grinned and Karen smiled at him.

"Well if it's ok with Ivy, I'm in."

"I asked her this morning and she said the same thing. I think it's settled then, we have our stars. I'll tell you more about it when I have all the papers before me", Derek said drinking yet another glass.

"Sure. How things are going between you and Ivy? To be honest I was a bit surprised to hear you were back together but she seems to make you happy", Karen said and felt that little feeling of disappointment again. Why did she feel like that? It was great that Derek might finally settle down, for a while at least.

"Well yeah, I guess she does make me happy", Derek said and shrugged his shoulders.

"Well I'm glad to hear that. I'm going to head home now. You'll call me about the role tomorrow?" Karen asked and stood up.

"Yeah, I will. Wait I'm going to walk you home", Derek said and followed Karen.

"Good night love", Derek said and kissed Karen on her forehead, pulling her a little bit closer like he always did.

"Night Derek", Karen said smiling.

Karen tossed her purse on the table and noticed a missed call. She didn't recognize the number so she played the voicemail.

"Hello, this is Tom Wilson from Lincoln correctional facility. I'm calling about Jimmy Collins so please get back to me as soon as possible."

Karen couldn't believe what she had just heard. Why would they call her? She was going on her regular Thursday visit tomorrow. Karen dialled the number and got through after a while.

"Hello, this is Karen Cartwright. Am I speaking with Tom Wilson?"

"Yes hello, you were listed as a contact for Jimmy Collins, is that right?" a deep voice asked.

"Yes I am. Is there something wrong?"

"I'm sorry but Jimmy Collins has been taken to a prison hospital. He overdosed and his state isn't looking great but he'll get better."

"What?" Karen almost shouted and sat down shocked. "How can he have drugs in prison?" Karen asked and the man replied: "It's not very usual but it happens sometimes. Usually we find the drugs quickly enough but this time we were a bit too late. You can meet him tomorrow at the prison hospital. I'll leave you the address."

"Okay." Karen wrote down few lines still a bit confused. She thought that Jimmy would have been smarter. Why on earth would he do drugs in prison? Stupid, stupid, stupid… Didn't he think about anything?

On a back of her mind a small voice said: "This is exactly what you feared, isn't it?"

_Irya's playground: I didn't want to know. Not so great version on Youtube: __ watch?v=rDzuQAWNY5M_

_[B]_

Karen went to shower early next morning. She hadn't slept at all. She really cared about Jimmy and loved him. She didn't know if she was in love with him but she really loved him. It had seemed like he had wanted to make a change, so what had changed? It was probably true what she had thought. Jimmy was a good person when he wanted to be.

The visiting hours of the hospital began early and Karen walked there desperately clinging to an umbrella.

"Like I didn't have a bad day, of course it has to rain", Karen mumbled to herself and shook the drops from her umbrella in the lobby of the hospital.

"I'm Karen Cartwright and I'm here to see Jimmy Collins", Karen said to a tired looking receptionist.

"He'll walk you there" the man said and pointed towards a heavy built man standing in a uniform.

Jimmy lay down on the bed and he smiled when he saw Karen. Karen just sat down next to his bed and looked at him.

"Explain" Karen said harshly and Jimmy sighed.

"Come on Karen. It was nothing serious. I was going mad and I needed something to cheer me up", Jimmy said and Karen screamed: "Nothing serious? You could have died!"

"Karen…"

"I can't take this. I thought you had changed, that you would be wiser but you're just as immature as Derek said you were!"

"Oh great, pull Derek into this. Your great, handsome British director. I should've known you were with me just because he wasn't available", Jimmy shouted back and Karen felt so frustrated.

"Why do you feel so jealous for him? I chose you because I loved you and I still do but this isn't working. You said you wanted to be better and I believed you but here we are. You haven't changed a bit. This isn't working unless you do something about yourself."

"You know what Karen, this is who I am, so if you can't love me like this, don't love me at all. Maybe this was for the best. It's over", Jimmy roared and Karen stepped back. She turned away without saying a word, without a tear.

"Karen wait", Jimmy pleaded but she didn't want to go back. Jimmy was right, it was who he was and she couldn't change him.

_[E]_

Karen heard her ringtone.

"Hello?" Karen answered the phone without watching who called.

Her voice trembled and a confused voice asked: "Karen?"

"Oh, hi Derek", Karen said standing in the rain with a closed umbrella in her hand. She felt so empty, not broken, not yet. It would have been easier just to cry.

"Are you outside?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, I was… I was on a walk", Karen said. She didn't want to tell about Jimmy, not to Derek, not now anyway.

"In that weather? Oh, never mind. About that role, could you come here now?" Derek asked adding the address.

"Yeah, sure", Karen said and opened her umbrella. She didn't want to get any wetter.

"Okay, see you here" Derek said and hung up.


	2. I'm not just anybody

**Chapter 2 I'm not just anybody**

Here she was, wet like a drowned rat, dripping water on the white floor. Karen looked at herself from the mirror and sighed heavily. She could just go home and eat ice cream, maybe watch some cheesy movie. She could just call Derek and say she's busy, that something came up. She really didn't feel like meeting everybody, Ivy the least, well maybe the writers and producer the least.

Karen was about to turn back and flee to the safety of her home when the doors opened and Derek marched to the isle.

"Karen?" Derek called and walked to her looking a bit confused. "You didn't have an umbrella?"

"I did but…" Karen started but didn't finish the sentence.

"What now?" Derek said sounding a bit irritated but he still had a worried look on his face.

"Let's just go", Karen said with a forced smile on her face. Derek didn't look too happy noticing something was wrong but he didn't say anything.

"All right everyone, this is Karen Cartwright. Don't mind her wetness. There was a puddle and a busy moron driving a cab", Derek said escorting her to a table where sat three friendly looking women and a man with a strict look on his face. Karen was a bit confused about Derek's words but it was probably a good thing to have an understandable reason for her appearance.

"Nice to meet you", they all greeted and shook her hand.

"We all look forward to working with you", one of the women said and Karen smiled.

They introduced themselves as Liza, Elisabeth, Ann and Patrick. Liza and Elisabeth were the writers, Ann wrote the lyrics and Patrick was the producer, of course. Derek had disappeared somewhere to the back of the room talking to other members of the cast and Karen stood there feeling a bit lost.

"So did Derek even tell you about your character?" Patrick asked and Karen said that he hadn't.

"Well Liza and Elisabeth will enlighten you about that later. We would like you to sing to us anyway, although if you want this job we're going to give it to you anyway", Patrick said and Karen felt like he really wasn't as harsh as he looked. Actually Derek was probably the strictest person in the room. Karen smiled at them and began to sing.

She could have sworn that Patrick almost smiled. He really just looked strict.

"Yeah, you were right Ann, she's perfect for Iris", Patrick said and Karen couldn't help but smile.

"Thank you. Derek said that Ivy is going to play the other lead and I would like to know about this musical more", Karen said and she felt better already. Performing always made her feel better.

"Yes, of course. You may borrow Liza for now and Ivy Lynn is going to play the part of your sister", Patrick said and gestured towards one of the women.

"Let's sit here. Ivy is on her way so you'll meet her today too but the man lead is going to be joining us the day after tomorrow. Others are pretty much here already and you can introduce yourself to them later", Liza said with a warm voice and Karen liked her already. "So about the story. Ivy is your beautiful stepsister. She appears to be kind and sweet but she is a bit of a control freak. She's about to get married so she brings her fiancé to your home where you and your stepmother, who your father married after a divorce, live. You like your stepmother and she almost loves you more than Ivy, aka Fiona. So anyway, you, Iris, and Ben, Fiona's fiancé, meet. She has told how difficult and unkind you are but you are kind, just don't let people near you. Then you and Ben talk and slowly fall in love while Fiona tries everything to keep him. Your real mother, who you hate, tries to win you back but your stepmother's love is on her way. You also have a dream. You want to be a singer but you don't believe in yourself. Fiona and Ben are both famous actors and they're said to be the perfect couple and so on and so on. I'll give you the script", Liza said and Karen listened to her.

"That sounds great. I'm definitely in", Karen smiled and Liza laughed joyfully.

"And from what I've heard playing rivals with Ivy isn't going to be a problem."

"No, we have that part down", Karen said smiling.

Karen met all the others and they all seemed nice and fun to work with. It was too bad the only familiar faces were Derek's and Ivy's but in the other hand it was nice to get to know new people. New faces didn't remind her of Hit list and Jimmy.

Talking to Ivy wasn't as bad as Karen had thought. Maybe Ivy wasn't feeling so threatened after winning the Tony. Derek greeted Ivy with a kiss and there was the same feeling again. It was probably just because she had broken up with Jimmy, so of course she felt a little jealous of their relationship. Ivy left early saying she had somewhere to be and Derek left with her. Karen didn't really want to go back to her place just to sit in the empty apartment before Ana came back. She needed someone to talk to.

The rain had stopped. Karen found herself from Riverside Park. It was fairly quiet, lunchtime had already passed. Karen sat down to a bench watching the calm river. Why did this happen to her? Maybe she wasn't meant to find love when it always ended like this. Well, at least she hadn't wasted three years for Jimmy.

"I'm hopeless", Karen sighed.

"How so?" a man's voice asked and Karen jumped a little.

"Derek? What are you doing here? I thought you and Ivy had somewhere to be."

"Well I'm not needed at the moment as you can see", Derek smiled and sat down next to her. "Why are you hopeless?"

"Just because", Karen said avoiding the subject. She didn't really know why she didn't want to talk about it to Derek.

"Something's wrong, even I can see that, Karen. Tell me what's bothering you", Derek said and looked at her, eyebrows slightly raised.

Karen sighed and smiled at him. "I was at the hospital this morning."

"What, why? Is something wrong?" Derek frowned and Karen shook her head.

"No, nothing's wrong. Well, with me anyway. I was there to see Jimmy. He overdosed yesterday and we broke up. That's why I'm hopeless, I mess up all my relationships."

Derek looked at her for a while and said: "First of all, it really isn't your fault if Jimmy messes up, he's just being a moron tossing you away, and secondly, I'm sorry to hear that."

Karen laughed a bit and replied: "I thought you were going to say something like I told you so. You never liked Jimmy, so you should be happy."

Derek sighed and stroke Karen's hair a little. "Darling, I didn't hate him and I couldn't be happy if you are miserable."

Karen stared at him for a while and smiled sadly.

"Don't worry, you'll feel better", Derek said and stood up. "I have to head back. Are you going to Table 46 tonight?"

"I don't know. Probably I'll just bury myself to a couch", Karen said.

Derek smiled at her and kissed her on the forehead. "Don't forget to smile. I don't want you to lose your smile."

_Katharine McPhee: Anybody's heart. Youtube: __watch?v=lXZIDqwoq38__  
[B]_

Karen looked at Derek until he disappeared to the crowd. She felt a little strange watching him go but she didn't quite know what it was. Then the same emptiness came back. She missed Jimmy.

Karen threw her keys on the table and fell to her bed staring at the ceiling. Why couldn't she find someone who truly needed her? Needed her to be there with him, just to be with him. She didn't even know if Derek needed her. He was with Ivy know. Probably Ivy was his muse now. She was just a meaningless face among her friends, if she wouldn't have been there, there would be someone else.

Karen didn't like those thoughts, they were ridiculous. Maybe no one needed her but she wasn't just replaceable. She was unique and her friends liked her, Derek liked her and Jimmy had liked her, not just someone.

Why did she think about Derek? Well she did think about Jimmy. He was in the back if her mind all the time. It was too painful to think about him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Derek was right. It wasn't her fault. She had tried to make it work so it was no use to mourn something that just hadn't worked.

Well maybe she could mourn about it for one afternoon and watch the cheesy romance movie she had on her shelf.

_[E]_

"Karen?" Ana asked from the dark room.

"I'm here", Karen replied from her room.

"What's going on?" Ana asked and sat next to her.

"Jimmy and I broke up. I don't want to explain."

"I'm so sorry. He's an idiot. He wasn't the right for you", Ana said and hugged her.

"I guess so but it doesn't exactly make this easier."

"Then I know the two things for tonight: chocolate and booze", Ana said and Karen laughed a bit replying: "Sounds great but it's not all bad. I also got a role in a musical today."

"That's amazing and right after Hit list. Then it is break up chocolate and celebration wine", Ana said happily and Karen laughed.

Derek didn't feel like drinking. He frowned. Since when he hadn't always been in the mood for drinking? Nothing had happened, everything was as usual. He had the same problems as always. Derek glanced around the room and gave a laugh. Karen wasn't here. Maybe he was too used to her company.


	3. Next to me

**Chapter 3 Next to me**

_Thank you for the comments. If there are some words or expressions that sound funny, please let me know so I can fix them, thanks._

Derek didn't know what he thought about Ivy. He liked her and wanted to help her and the baby. He felt protective over her and he wanted to do the right thing. He enjoyed spending time with her but sometimes she was just difficult and short-tempered.

Karen usually understood him and she wasn't so aggressive. What was he thinking? If he wanted to make things work with Ivy, this wasn't exactly the best way of thinking. Derek glanced at the woman sleeping next to him and smiled. Ivy was beautiful and he felt relaxed with her.

Ivy opened her eyes and smiled. "Good morning. What time is it?"

"Half past six. I'm going to take a shower", Derek said and got up. "You're okay with working with Karen right?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?" Ivy said and smiled sweetly.

"What did the doctor say yesterday?" Derek asked over the flowing water.

"Well nothing special. He was a bit concerned about me working but since my character is supposed to be pregnant it won't be a problem until I'm so huge that I can't move. You're not going to make me do too much jumping and that kind of things are you?"

"Of course not, just don't stress", Derek said.

"I won't when I have you to take care of me. Just don't shout at me too much."

"No, no, no!" Derek yelled. "You two there, you're not supposed to go so far back and you there in the back, don't think that your mistakes won't be seen just because you're behind all the others! Take it from the top!"

"Do you think it's wise to train Josh's choreography without him?" Ann asked.

"Well it's not my fault that he's not here. Besides look at them. If we won't train this now, they'll never get it right. Karen and Ivy were both doing fine, it's these morons who I need to train", Derek said and turned back to the dancers. Ann and Elisabeth glanced at each other and smiled but Derek didn't notice.

"Did he almost say a compliment to us?" Ivy whispered to Karen and they both smirked.

"Let's just wait until we get to the hard choreographies. He'll yell at us too", Karen said and they laughed.

"I saw you laugh with Karen. What's going on?" Derek said later.

"We're not worst enemies, you know. Not now when we don't have to fight over a role, and besides, I'm in a good mood", Ivy replied and kissed Derek on his cheek.

"Let's go eat somewhere", Derek suggested.

"Sure, I'll just get my coat."

Ivy went back to the rehearsal room and Derek leaned against the wall. It had been a long day. Luckily it was over.

"Why so gloomy?" familiar voice asked and Derek glanced at the woman standing next to him. He couldn't help smiling.

"I'm not. I was just thinking of today's practise."

"That bad? Give them time, they're not used to your shouting", Karen said smiling.

"Well they better get used to it."

"They will, and maybe they'll see that you're not the moron that they all think you are", Karen laughed and Derek smiled. It was nice to see her smile again after yesterday.

"So you're feeling better?" Derek asked carefully and Karen nodded.

"Thanks for listening my moaning yesterday."

"Anytime love. Are you coming to Table 46 tonight?" Derek asked.

"I don't know. Ana said she had something planned for me. I don't know if that plan is going to be good or not but she always cheers me up."

"Derek, are we going?" Ivy called out and Derek smiled for goodbye.

"See you tomorrow then."

"See you Derek", Karen said and watched him go.

Derek had felt funny when he had heard about Jimmy. He wondered what would have happened if Karen had never started dating Jimmy. Would they be together now? He had asked her out, kind of. Or was it better this way?

"Are you listening?" Ivy asked and Derek raised his head.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"Nothing. Are you ready to order?"

"Would you like to go somewhere?" Ivy asked. "I'd have to settle for water but it doesn't mean I couldn't enjoy the company."

Derek shrugged and asked: "Do you have some place in mind?"

"Why I haven't even heard about this place before?" Karen inquired when Ana dragged her into a small club.

"Because it's quite new and only for the selected", Ana replied and pushed Karen towards the bar.

"Is that so?" Karen laughed and sat down. The music was loud but not deafening and people were dancing and having a good time. There was a more silent corner where there were some groups and couples sitting at tables, talking and drinking. "There's a band in here? I thought of a DJ or something like that", Karen noticed and Ana smiled at her meaningfully. "Don't say you have something up your sleeve."

"Maybe", Ana said and jumped on the stage after the band had finished the song. "Hi everyone. I'm Ana Vargas and I'm going to perform a song with my friend Karen Cartwright. Get up here", Ana talked to the microphone and pulled Karen next to her. "Here we go."

Taylor Swift: 22. Youtube: watch?v=AgFeZr5ptV8  
[B]

Ana started to sing and Karen laughed at her energy. It would have been hard not to join her. It was fun to see how people on the dance floor began dancing and singing along. Karen danced on the stage with Ana and looked at the smiling faces of others. She twirled around and saw two faces she hadn't expected to see. Derek was sitting with Ivy in one of the silent corners. She smiled at them and bowed when the song ended.

[E]

"Why is she here?" Ivy asked.

"How would I know and why would you care?" Derek said a bit confused.

"I wanted to spend an evening with you but here she is. She has to always be where you are. I'm beginning to think that you're only being with me because of the baby", Ivy spoke sharply and stood up.

"Ivy?"

"I'm going to go now. Stay here with the leech", she said and marched away. Derek looked after her and was a bit puzzled at her behavior. So what if Karen was here, he wasn't with her.

"Hey, where did Ivy go?" Karen asked looking at Derek who sat alone at the table.

"She left, probably planning vengeance, for some reason I don't even know", Derek sighed and Karen smiled.

"Sounds like Ivy, no offence." Derek grinned and Karen sat down next to him. "Maybe she just has a bad day", Karen suggested.

"Well earlier she said that she was in a good mood", Derek said and took a sip from his glass.

"Well it's Ivy."

"So, what do you think of the musical?" Derek asked.

"I like it and it takes my mind off things."

"You can talk to me, you know" Derek said looking a bit worried.

"I know. It's funny, you seem to be always there when I break my heart", Karen pointed out and Derek gave a laugh.

"We spend much time together so it's not a miracle and we're working together. Again."

"I'm starting to think that I can't even work with other directors", Karen said.

"I don't mind working with you either", Derek smiled. For a moment he was silent and then he asked: "Do you think I'd be a good father?"

Karen looked a bit confused and asked: "Are you drunk?"

"Well probably but that has nothing to do with my question. I'm serious", Derek said.

Karen stared at him for a moment and answered: "Yes. Maybe you'd be a little harsh sometimes but yes. Why are you asking that?"

"You haven't heard any rumors? Well it's surprising that paparazzi haven't heard. Ivy's pregnant", Derek said and Karen stared at him.

"Really? I don't know what to say. Congratulations I guess. So I take it that you are keeping the baby?" Karen said.

"Yeah. I said that Ivy could decide and that I would be there for her. I still don't know what I have gotten myself into", Derek said looking a bit shocked and Karen laughed.

"It's going to be fine but I honestly didn't think you and Ivy, I mean… Wow."

"Yeah I know It was a surprise for me too", Derek said.

"You know what, I think I'm going to head home. It's late and we have practice tomorrow."

"Sure. Do you want me to walk you?" Derek asked.

"No, it's fine. See you tomorrow", Karen said and kissed his cheek for goodbye.

"Night love", Derek wished.

Ivy was pregnant? Ivy was **_pregnant_**? Karen stared at her image on the mirror. There it was again, the same annoying feeling. Why did she feel jealous? She could have experienced that with Jimmy, or Dev if that had worked out. That's probably it. She had no one right now. It was rather ironic. Ivy was the one who thought that Karen had everything and that she got everything without even trying.

"Okay stop, and go to sleep", Karen said out loud and turned off the lights. She nestled next to a blanket and fell asleep.


	4. The things we do

**Chapter 4 The things we do**

_A bit short chapter this time because at some point I got the writer's block and just wanted to stop but well I don't know, had to finish it. Hope you like it anyway._

"Who's that?" Karen asked from one of her new friends.  
"That's Josh River", Olivia answered.  
"Oh right, he's going to play Ben right?"  
"Yeah. He looks a bit lost, don't you think? But look at that face", Olivia sighed and Karen laughed.  
"Well go and talk to him", Karen encouraged.  
"I couldn't, not alone, come with me and I won't feel so stupid", Olivia pleaded and Karen followed her. "Hi, I'm Olivia Peer and this is Karen Cartwright", Olivia said to Josh who did look a bit lonely.  
He smiled and introduced himself. "Nice to meet you. Are we starting soon?"  
"When Derek gets here. He's not usually this la-", Karen said and Derek stepped in.  
"Let's stars shall we. We're going to start with Ben's song, then Ivy and Karen and after lunch only Karen."  
"Ivy isn't here yet", Karen said.  
"I know, she'll be here soon", Derek replied and sat down.

"Poor guy. I almost feel sorry for him", Ivy said to Karen. They were watching how Derek yelled at Josh.  
"I haven't heard of him before", Karen said and Ivy replied: "He's not that well known but I guess they thought that he'd be right for the part."  
"Okay, that was better. Karen and Ivy, you're up", Derek shouted.

People were slowly flowing back to the rehearsal room.  
"There he is. Should I speak to him?" Olivia asked pointing at Josh.  
"Of course you should. Go", Karen laughed. Derek and Ivy stepped laughing to the room and they looked happy. Karen smiled at them. Derek kissed Ivy and went to talk to Liza. Ivy walked to one corner and Karen went up to her. Ivy was okay when she wasn't yelling all the time.  
"Hi Karen. You're next, right?"  
"Yeah. Ivy I just wanted to say that it's nice being friends", Karen said and Ivy smiled.  
"I guess it is."  
"And I wanted to congratulate you and Derek for the baby", Karen added wanting to be nice.  
Ivy frowned and asked smiling: "How do you know about that?"  
"Oh, Derek told me", Karen said and noticed how Ivy's smile changed to a fake one. "He was drunk and he asked would he be a good father", Karen added quickly and Ivy seemed to relent.  
"Why did he ask you and not me?" Ivy asked a bit sadly.  
"Well, you were angry about something and you had left. He probably asked it from me because I was the closest person", Karen said and heard Derek's shout.  
"Karen, stop gossiping and get here!"  
"He didn't have so good conversation then. Good luck", Ivy wished and they smiled.

"Okay. This is the song that Iris sings to her real mother", Derek said and sat down.

Maria Mena: Am I supposed to apologize. Youtube: watch?v=pb9e3RAU_Lg  
[B]

Derek watched Karen hands crossed. He knew that something with the number was wrong but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.  
"Wait. Stop there", Derek interrupted and got up. "This isn't right", he mumbled. "Karen, you have to be here and you two have to be further back. You are angry, hurt, disappointed and a bit sad. You're speaking to your mother, remember that", Derek guided and sat down again. "From the top." He had seen it. He hadn't seen Karen in a long time, but there she was again. He could see her on the stage.

[E]

"Guess who has a date", Olivia smiled to Karen.  
"I told you that you should talk to him", Karen said happily and packed her bag. "Have fun", Karen wished when Olivia left with Josh. She wanted to just go home and rehearse some lines.

"Derek, are you listening?" Ivy asked.  
"Sorry I was thinking of something. What did you say?" Derek said and glanced at the woman walking next to him.  
"Never mind. You haven't listened to me lately. Is something wrong? Are you having second thoughts about the baby?" Ivy asked and stopped.  
"What? No, of course not. I said I'd be here for you. Why would you think that?"  
"We don't talk. Sometimes I think that you only talk with Karen and I'm just someone who warms your bed", Ivy said.  
"Come on Ivy", Derek started and realized that they hadn't talked properly for a long time. "You know what, we're going to have dinner tomorrow and talk if you want to." Ivy smiled and they kept walking. Derek frowned a bit. Did he really talk more to Karen than Ivy? Well, with Ivy there were other things to do… Derek smiled and realized that Karen really was easier to talk to and she always listened to him. Maybe talking to Ivy would be a good thing if he wanted to make this work.

He didn't know her that well after all. There were a lot of things that they had never discussed of. Derek didn't know how he felt. Ivy wasn't the person he had thought of. Of course she was still Ivy and he knew many things of her but he didn't really know her. Not so well that someone passing by would think they were going to have a baby.

Following weeks went quickly and Derek saw Karen only at the rehearsals. He sometimes had flashes of her and he missed their chats but he didn't want to make Ivy angry. He didn't really understand Ivy's jealousy. He and Karen were only friends after all. There was nothing between them except for that one night and that was really nothing. Right? Karen had said it was nothing. But she had been with Jimmy then. Derek frowned. Why did he think about that? Derek sighed. He cared about Karen more than he wanted to admit. She was still his muse.

"Karen, you look too tense again. No, just, I'm going to show you", Derek sighed and got up. "So when Josh stands here and holds you, you bend your waist back, relaxed. You feel comfortable with him, remember?" Derek guided and placed his arm around her waist. He hadn't been this close to her in a long time. Lastly that night… Why that kept popping to his mind? He couldn't help thinking what would have happened if they had done it. She had smelt sweet. Karen tried again and Derek held her gently.  
"Hi everyone" Ivy greeted as she walked in.  
"Hello Ivy", Derek answered without looking. He felt how Karen tensed up and said: "Relax. Bend your neck a bit more." Ivy walked to some corner and the moment was over. Karen relaxed. "That's it. Got it?" Derek said but he didn't let go for a moment when Karen stood up. He stared at her for a while and coughed: "Josh will take it from here." He sat back down to his chair. Why did he remember her smell?


	5. Hold me

**Chapter 5 Hold me**

_Today I realized that the Sun does rise three o'clock in the morning. And after 13 hours of waiting (errors and stuff) I'm finally able to update this._

_Hope: Hold me. Youtube: watch?v=3mKqRBSlBeg  
[Just a start for this episode from Ivy's point of view]_

"Are you feeling alright? You don't look so good", Karen said to Ivy.  
"I'm not feeling so good either. Morning sickness isn't exactly great", Ivy responded. She didn't want to talk to Karen right now. Karen probably didn't even think how uncomfortable seeing her with Derek made her feel. He had looked at her that way again when Ivy came in and he instructed her.  
"I hope it passes", Karen said and smiled. Why did she always have to be that smiling girl? She was always in a good mood.  
Ivy smiled back and said: "Wouldn't want to throw up in the middle of rehearsal." Ivy felt her stomach turn and she rose up. "I'll come back in a second."

It was weird. She didn't usually feel this sick but it was probably normal. Yesterday everything was just fine when she was at her doctor. It could be something she had eaten. She heard a knock on the booth's door.  
"Ivy? Derek asked me to check up on you. He said that we need you now", Karen said through the door.  
"I'll be right there", Ivy said.  
"Okay, we'll be waiting."

"Hey Karen, want to go and grab something to eat?" Josh asked when Karen packed her bags.  
"Oh, I already kind of promised to Ella", Karen said a bit surprised.  
"She could come too. Olivia and Alice are coming."  
"Okay, I'll ask her", Karen answered.  
"Karen, can I borrow you for a moment?" Derek called out.

"We're going to change yours and Ivy's song. Do you think you can learn this for tomorrow?" Derek said handing Karen some papers.  
"Yeah, I think so."  
"I didn't ruin your plans for this evening?" Derek asked.  
"Well no, I'll learn this quickly enough and I'm only going to some place with Ella and few others", Karen reassured.  
"Good", Derek smiled. "Have fun love."

Ivy sat next to her bag. She didn't feel sick anymore but she wasn't exactly in a good mood.  
"Why are you sitting here Ivy?" Derek asked walking up to her. "Weren't you supposed to meet Sam today?"  
"Right, I should go", Ivy said and stood up. "What are you going to do?"  
"I don't know. I'll probably just head home. And before I forget, we're changing yours and Karen's song. This is the new one", Derek said handing out the papers.

Ivy and Derek still had their own apartments. It felt natural for them to have some own space but they had each other's keys. Ivy hadn't really thought of what they would do when the baby would be born but it seemed like the distant future so she didn't think about it now either. You couldn't even notice the pregnancy yet. She looked exactly the same as before, well maybe she had swollen up a bit but no one had really noticed. Except for Derek and herself.  
"Oh great", Ivy sighed when she checked her phone. Well someone had noticed her walking to her maternity clinic. "Just what I needed today", Ivy mumbled. 'Is Ivy Lynn pregnant?' the headlines screamed.  
"You finally made it to the tabloids then", Sam said.  
"Sam, hi!" Ivy smiled and they hugged. "I'm actually surprised that it took so long."  
"Maybe they were just busy with Taylor Swift's haircut", Sam laughed.  
"I'm just going to turn my phone off. I don't want some reporters calling me tonight" Ivy sighed.  
"Looks like you've had a rough day", Sam pointed out.  
"Morning sickness is exhausting you know", Ivy laughed "Let's go."

Derek turned off his phone. He didn't care if someone would call and say that North Korea had started a war, he just wanted to stop that damn thing from ringing all the time. Well to be honest he had expected this to happen a lot sooner. It had been a ruckus when they had been announced as a couple. Derek sighed. Maybe he'd go on a walk later.

"I don't even think he loves me", Ivy said sadly.  
"What? Of course he does. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't. Derek Wills wouldn't settle down with just someone", Sam stated.  
"Maybe but usually his girlfriends don't get knocked up."  
"You're just overthinking it."

Karen sat in the corner of a fairly quiet bar reading the lyrics Derek had given her.  
"Hi" Josh greeted and Karen looked up from the papers. "Why are you sitting here alone?"  
"I have to learn this for tomorrow", Karen replied smiling.  
"Yeah I heard what Derek said. Do you always do what he tells you? I mean sometimes it seems like you let him boss you around as he pleases", Josh said and sat down.  
"No I don't and he is my director so I do what he wants me to do", Karen said simply.  
Josh lifted his eyebrows and said: "Well I had heard rumors of you and Derek before but I didn't think that..."  
"What? No! Derek is with Ivy. I meant that I do what he tells me to do when it's related to work. We're just friends", Karen exclaimed.  
"Oh, I'm sorry. It's just you hear all sorts of things and you don't really know what to believe", Josh apologized. "That was awkward. Let's never talk about it again."  
"Agreed", Karen laughed.  
"Could I buy you a drink?"  
"I'm fine. I still have to read this", Karen smiled pointing at the papers.  
"You shouldn't just sit here in the corner. Come and talk to people", Josh said. "There's no point going out with people if you're not going to be with them."  
"I'm not really in the mood and I want to get this done", Karen tried but Josh interrupted: "Just one drink. Then I'll leave you with your papers. Deal?"  
Karen sighed. "Fine if I'm not going to get rid of you otherwise."

Josh didn't leave her alone after that one drink. Karen avoided his pick-up lines and finally got up saying she had to go to the restroom. Didn't he have something going on with Olivia? Olivia hadn't said anything about him for a long time but she hadn't said that it was over. She had been so exited of her dates.

Karen didn't want to go home just yet. It wasn't even late. She wandered around for a while and found herself again at silent Riverside Park. She dug up the lyrics again and started humming the melody.  
"Hello love. Do you come here often?" Karen heard and she turned around.  
"Derek? Hi. I guess I could ask you the same", Karen replied and Derek sat down next to her.  
"Sometimes when I want all the reporters to leave me alone and stop asking me questions about Ivy's pregnancy", he said and shrugged.  
"So you two made it finally to the tabloids?" Karen asked.  
"Well technically I didn't make it. They're not even sure if she's pregnant", Derek smiled. "I thought you were going out with your friends", he asked.  
"I wasn't in the mood and I wasn't enjoying the company that much either. Besides I really should learn these", Karen said showing the papers.  
"So you have just sat in the corner of some night club reading those lyrics?" Derek smiled raising his eyebrows.  
"No, of course not. It was a bar", Karen said.  
"A bar, great. And you probably already know them but you just want to be sure", Derek laughed.  
"No, well, maybe. Hey!" Karen exclaimed when Derek snatched the papers from her.  
"Come on, sing." Karen pursed her lips and Derek smiled.  
"I'm not going to sing."  
"Then you can't have these back", Derek teased holding the papers far away from her.  
"Really?" Karen asked and jumped towards them. Derek laughed and held the papers out of her reach.  
Karen sighed and said: "Fine I'll sing." Derek relaxed a bit and Karen opened her mouth and started to sing but she tried to reach the papers again.  
Derek held them far back and laughed: "I know you better than you think. And you were staring at these like you were after your prey so don't try to trick me." Karen looked sour but she finished the song. "Bravo dear, and not a word wrong. Here you go", Derek said and handed her the papers. "You still don't believe in yourself as much as you should. Why is that?"  
Karen looked at him for a while and said: "I don't know. I'm not perfect and I want to get better."  
"But you should still trust yourself. You know what you can do but sometimes you lose faith. Don't do that. You are a star Karen", Derek said and smiled. "I've said that before, right?"  
"Yeah", Karen nodded.  
"Well I meant it and still do. Let's go. I'll walk you home", Derek said and Karen smiled.

"We haven't talked in a long time", Karen pointed out.  
"I haven't talked to my best friend in ten years, well, at least he was my best friend", Derek said. "But I am used to your company. Drinking isn't the same when I can't talk to you about my problems and mistakes", Derek added and smiled.  
"Is the great Derek Wills saying that he actually needs a friend? The same Derek Wills that just said that he hasn't talked to his ex-best friend in, what was it, ten years?" Karen laughed and Derek nudged her gently.  
"Are you coming to Table 46 tomorrow?" Derek asked.  
"Sure. Good night", Karen smiled and dug up her keys.  
"Good night darling", Derek answered and kissed her forehead.

"Today we're going to train Iris's and Fiona's scene and then we are going to move on to the actual acting. Wonderful. Whenever you're ready", Derek instructed.  
"Ivy is coming back in a minute", Karen said.  
"Okay", Derek sighed and sat down looking a bit irritated.  
"I'm sorry but I have to ask. Is it true? I mean, is Ivy really pregnant?" one of the dancers asked.  
Derek glanced at him and replied: "Frankly I don't care much for the tabloids. That's none of your business. If there is something to tell, she'll tell you if she wants to." The dancer backed down a bit, escaping from Derek's irritated look and whispered something to one of his friends.  
"Sorry everybody. Let's start", Ivy said bursting into the room.


	6. First kiss

**Chapter 6 First kiss**

"Derek Wills? Could I ask you a…"  
"Oh bloody hell. Piss off", Derek sighed to the third reporter who tried to approach him. He should talk with Ivy about this. He hadn't even asked if she wanted to make it public. They had agreed to keep this as a secret for as long as possible but what about now.  
"Hi Derek", Karen greeted and sat down next to him. "Is something bothering you?"  
"Not particularly. The same media circus as always", Derek smiled. Just seeing Karen made him smile.  
"Oh right, that. Have you two decided what you're going to say, or…" Karen asked.  
"We haven't talked about that yet. I was just thinking that we really should", Derek answered.  
"Yeah probably because I think that that man over there is trying to listen to our conversation", Karen said nodding towards the reporter Derek had talked to moments ago.  
"Oh, fuck off will you!" Derek shouted and the reporter left looking kind of scared.  
"It's his job you know", Karen laughed.  
"Well he should pick another job then", Derek said. "I'm sorry. Not my day today."  
"I can see that", Karen smiled, "but you said you missed my company so whine all you want. I'm listening." Derek smiled and watched her for a while.  
"So how's it going for you?" Derek asked and Karen shrugged.  
"Same as always I guess. Yesterday a jerk flirted with me and didn't leave me alone."  
"That's why you didn't like the company?" Derek said.  
"Yeah, that's why I was sitting there in the park. I'm beginning to think that I should just give up hope for a happy relationship and become a nun or something", Karen laughed.  
"That would be a shame", Derek smiled. "You'll be happy", Derek said and took a sip from his glass adding: "Or you have to become a singing nun." Karen burst into laughter.

"We'll start off with Iris's and Ben's scene. I don't want to waste too much time on this." Karen felt weirdly nervous. It was the scene with her and Josh's first kiss but she was feeling weird.

"No! That looks horrible. Is that your idea of a kiss? You look like you're kissing something that has rotted for three months!" Derek shouted. Karen stepped back a bit but she didn't say anything. She knew it looked horrible.  
"Well it's not my fault. She's so stiff", Josh said and scowled at Derek.  
"Just, take it from the top", Derek yelled.

Karen couldn't do it. She remembered Jimmy. It was pathetic. Jimmy was an idiot and that was all she could think when Josh kissed her. Well, Josh wasn't the most pleasant person himself either. Olivia had said that after two dates he had started acting like a jerk and his behaviour at the bar hadn't exactly been any better.  
"Okay, stop it!" Derek shouted. "Let's take a ten." Karen closed her eyes and left the room. She was so disappointed at herself but right now she couldn't act like she was in love. Karen went to some silent corner and sat down.  
"What was that Karen!? It's just a bloody kissing scene and you're acting like you haven't kissed anyone, ever!" Derek yelled at her.  
"I'm sorry", Karen whispered arms wrapped around her legs. Derek was about to say something but then he just sat down next to Karen.

They sat there for a moment and Derek asked: "You're thinking of Jimmy, aren't you?" Karen glanced at him and nodded.  
"I shouldn't let my personal feelings affect my work", Karen mumbled.  
"Remember the night when we sat just like this and you said you couldn't go up to the stage and play Marilyn? I said that this isn't therapy. We take our feelings and we exploit them", Derek said.  
"I don't know how that's going to help me when thinking Jimmy makes me feel miserable", Karen sighed.  
"You shouldn't think about your breakup. Think of the happy moments you had with him", Derek said. Karen looked at him and looked sad.  
"And if I can't?"  
"I would like to get this done today but it's up to you", Derek said and watched her.  
"I'll try my best", Karen said.  
Derek smiled and lifted her chin a bit saying: "Don't look so sad." He stroked her cheek and pulled her closer. Derek smiled and kissed her forehead.  
"We should get back", Karen said.

"Well it still took two tries before I got it right", Karen sighed.  
"Cheer up. It's fine. Next time it's going to go fine", Derek said and Karen smiled.  
She took a sip from her glass and asked: "Have you talked to Ivy yet?"  
"No, but she's coming here later", Derek answered.  
"Oh."  
"You're quiet. Is something wrong?" Derek asked.  
"No, not really", Karen said staring her drink.

Maria Mena: Homeless. Youtube: watch?v=LKsDv-5CB9w  
[B]

She felt weird. She knew surprisingly many things of Derek. They had sat together like this so many times before. She knew his favourite colour and his smile was so familiar. She had thought about him. She had thought about him on the third time. Why did she think about him? 'Because you love him' she heard herself think. No, that was ridiculous. It couldn't be true and still she knew it was.  
"Penny for your thoughts", Derek smiled.  
"I'm not selling so cheap", Karen said and smiled back. He was with Ivy now. He was having a baby with her. "Derek", Karen started. She wanted to make this clear for herself. "Ivy is your muse right?"  
Derek stared at her for a while and asked: "Why are you asking?"  
"No reason. I was just thinking that she was the one who made you come to the Tony gala and she seems to make you happy."  
Derek was quiet for a moment and said: "I did say something like that when I received the price, didn't I? I actually don't remember so much. I was still a bit drunk."  
"You were drunk?" Karen asked and gave a laugh. "Well anyway, when I visited you all those times you just lay on your bed drinking."  
"That was because I felt like crap", Derek said and shrugged. "And I didn't want you to see me like that."  
"What are you talking about?" Karen asked and Derek sighed.  
"I didn't want you to think that I was just an old man full of flaws."  
Karen burst into laughter and said: "You're not old and I already know you're full of flaws. It's not something you can actually hide."  
Derek frowned and said: "I'm going to need reading glasses."  
"You are not old", Karen laughed. Derek stared at her with a thoughtful look on his face and she stopped laughing. "What?"  
"No", Derek said. "She's not." Karen stared at him. Did he mean that she was… "You are my muse and I don't think that that's going to change very soon", Derek said.  
"Oh", Karen said blinking her eyes in confusion.  
Derek laughed and asked: "Why do you look so surprised? I've said it to you before."  
"I just thought, I don't know", Karen said. He's with Ivy now. It doesn't matter, he's with Ivy. Her heart was racing.

Soon Ivy came and Derek left with her. Karen drank the rest of her drink and left too.  
"Karen wait up!" Karen turned around and saw Josh.  
"Oh, hi Josh."  
"Can I walk you home?"  
No. Karen sighed: "Yeah, sure." Josh chatted happily but Karen didn't really listen. "This is me" Karen pointed and before she knew what was happening Josh kissed her. When the man stepped back Karen looked at him a bit shocked. "Um, bye?" Karen said.  
"You're not going to invite me in?" Josh asked. What was up with this guy?  
"No", Karen said and opened her door.  
"Such a tease! So this is how you get your roles from Derek!" Karen heard Josh yell and she closed the door.

Karen sat on the couch and smiled. She remembered that night with Derek. Karen sighed. Why did things have to be this complicated? Why did she have to feel so lonely?

[E]


	7. You're not the one

Chapter 7 You're not the one

_At some point I was looking at the stats of this story and I noticed a strange thing: Chapter 5 had less visitors than chapter 6. Maybe it has something to do with the title… Some people just thought: "I don't need this! I want to know about the kiss!" Yeah… Just checking that you didn't miss the chapter for some reason (I updated them the same time). Thanks for all the favourites and comments etc._

The next day Josh avoided her as much as possible. Karen wasn't so keen to be with him either but she wanted to get some explanation to what had happened yesterday.  
"Josh, could I talk to you for a second?" Karen asked and they stepped out to the hallway. "About yesterday. What was it exactly?" Karen inquired. Josh looked embarrassed and Karen added a bit irritated: "It's not like it's okay to just kiss people you barely know and then accuse them for manipulating their boss."  
"I'm sorry. I was drunk and I just thought… Honestly I don't know what I thought", Josh apologized looking as guilty as he should. Karen sighed. If it was just a drunken mistake maybe it was understandable but she still felt awkward. "I don't want to make things weird between us. Well, I already did that but if I can do something to make it up to you. I could buy you dinner and properly apologize", Josh suggested.  
"You don't have to do that", Karen said.  
"I insist it's the least I can do." Karen sighed and agreed. It was fine if it was only dinner and not something else like last time it was supposed to be only "one drink". Well maybe she could sneak to the park again.  
"Is today okay for you, after practise?"  
"Sure."

"Last we have the goodbye scene. We all want to go home so please, do your best!"

Ronan Keating: Iris. Youtube: watch?v=29GuKIzALZ8  
[B]

Karen loved this scene. It was the last scene between Iris and Ben before the last scene. She was moving away because of work and they had only started to realize their feelings towards each other. The musical actually resembled her life a bit. Well Ivy and Derek weren't getting married, but it was pretty much the same. And of course Derek didn't really love her. Why she couldn't just find a nice guy and have a happy relationship?

[E]

"Are you coming to Table 46 tonight?" Derek asked as usual.  
"No, not today", Karen smiled.  
"See you tomorrow then love", Derek said and kissed her forehead. Karen sighed when Derek had left. "Just forget it", she mumbled to herself. "Forget what?" Josh asked walking up to her. "Oh, nothing. Are we going?"

She had no idea what he had just asked her. Actually she had no idea what he had talked about for the last thirty minutes.  
"I'm sorry what?" Karen asked.  
"I just asked if you knew something about Derek and Ivy."  
"Why?" Karen frowned.  
"Well just out of curiosity."  
"No", Karen lied. It was none of his business.  
"Really, nothing? I mean you talk to Derek a lot and to Ivy too."  
"We talk about work, mostly", Karen said, lying again. Well, they did talk about work but not most of the time. When she had even learned all the things of Derek? Somewhere between glasses of whisky probably.  
"You're not listening are you?" Karen looked to Josh and blinked her eyes.  
"Sorry. I was thinking about something."  
"Karen, I want to make something clear. Do you want to go out whit me or not?" Josh asked.  
"What? When have I said anything like that?"  
"Well technically you haven't but I mean I have sensed the chemistry between us. For example when we finally got the kissing scene right you could feel the spark", Josh grinned and Karen blushed a bit but not because of him. This wasn't good. She couldn't exactly tell who she had thought of then.  
"Josh, listen. This was meant to be only an apology dinner and I don't want to start a relationship right now", Karen said. Josh looked insulted and Karen said: "It's not like I don't think that you're a nice person. I just broke up and, you know…"  
"Oh", Josh said silently.  
"Is it okay if I leave now? Thanks for the dinner", Karen said and got up. Josh sat there without saying a word and Karen felt somehow guilty.  
"See you tomorrow then", Josh said and Karen left.

"I thought you wouldn't come here tonight", Derek noted when Karen sat down next to him.  
"I thought that too", Karen smiled ordering her usual. "Do you think it's possible that I'm some sort of catnip for every sort of weirdo and idiot?" Karen added and gave a laugh. Josh's behavior had been strange, at least.  
"Why?"  
"I just had a bizarre conversation with Josh", Karen explained and Derek frowned.  
"Weird conversation?"  
"He just asked if I wanted to date him and that he thought that he had felt a spark between us. And he was the one who was hitting on me in the bar."  
"And you said?"  
Karen laughed and said: "If I start asking if I attract people who are idiots, what do you think?"  
"Point taken", Derek nodded and smiled. He felt weirdly relieved. Why was that?

"Good night", Karen wished getting up.  
"You don't want me to walk you home?" Derek asked.  
"No it's okay", Karen replied. It was the last thing she wanted right now. She really shouldn't drink this much with Derek. His scent was… Well it was her catnip.

"It'll calm down", Ivy said. Derek glanced at her and she said: "Well how long can they just make headlines out of that?" Ivy sighed. "I know… I still wouldn't like to tell them. It wouldn't get better. They'll find out later anyway."  
"Well if that's what you want to do. Are you sure you don't want to even tell your mother?" Derek asked.  
"Yes. Not yet anyway."  
"You have to tell her eventually", Derek noted and Ivy sighed.  
"I know and I will but not just yet", Ivy said and lay down next to him on the bed. "Derek?" Ivy said looking at him.  
"Hmm?" Derek mumbled his eyes half closed.  
"You're not being with me just for the baby? I mean, you love me, right?"  
"Yes, I love you", Derek said like he had said before.  
"I love you too", Ivy smiled.  
"Why are you asking?" Derek said.  
"No reason", Ivy answered closed her eyes. Derek watched Ivy for a while feeling a bit confused. Ivy had asked this before. He didn't understand why she felt so concerned about that.

"Where's Josh! We can't start without him!" Derek shouted.  
"We have tried to call him but he's not answering", Ann said and Derek sighed.  
"Well let's take a break before we have even started! Brilliant!" Derek yelled pacing around the room and slowly people started to scatter around.

Karen sat in the hallway with Olivia and after an hour they noticed Josh.  
They both got up glad that they could finally start but then Olivia said: "Doesn't he look weird to you. I mean a bit, wobbly.  
"Karen!" Josh shouted. "You are just the person I wanted to talk to", he slurred and put his hand around her neck. "You know what? You don't even know what you're losing here. I mean how can you turn me down?"  
Karen stepped back and asked: "Josh, are you drunk?"  
"And now you're not answering me. You like to tease guys don't you? Or maybe you really are just Derek's little plaything", Josh continued and got closer to Karen capturing her between his arms and the wall.  
"What an interesting point of view mister River", Derek's hard voice said. "You do understand that I have to fire you now?" he said ominously pulling him roughly away from Karen.  
"I actually wanted to talk to you too. You're an idiot you know and your direction is really bad", Josh said wobbling around a bit. Derek just raised his eyebrows and watched how he passed out on the floor.  
"How wonderful. We just lost one of our leads. Everybody can just forget about this goddamn musical! You probably are catnip Karen", Derek said poignantly and stepped back to the rehearsal room.  
"What was that about?" Olivia asked and Karen shook her head.  
"You don't want to know. We should probably tell others that the practice is cancelled."  
"They probably heard already", Olivia noted.  
"You think so?"  
"Yeah."

"You fired him?!" Patrick roared.  
"Yeah, I did", Derek said calmly.  
"We can't fire one of our leads now!" Elisabeth yelled.  
"Sure we can."  
"No we can't! You just can't fire people whenever you please!" Patrick yelled.  
"Or when one of your 'girlfriends' asks you to!" Ann added.  
"And what was that supposed to mean?" Derek asked turning towards Ann. "The bloody man came here drunk and you're questioning my motives for firing him?!" Derek started shouting.  
"Will you all just shut up?!" Liza roared. "Derek is right. We can't have a drunken lead. We just have to find somebody else for the part."  
"Or fail trying", Ann added and sighed.  
"We're not that screwed", Derek said.  
"How's so? We don't have too much time to train a new lead let alone to find one", Patric said.  
"You have me and I'm sure you'll find someone", Derek noted. "Have him here the day after tomorrow."

_Oh how I love writers block._


	8. It takes two

**Chapter 8 It takes two**

Derek sat in a restaurant eating dinner with Ivy.  
"They're going to find a new lead, right?" Ivy asked.  
"I believe so", Derek answered.  
"Why does she always have to ruin everything?"  
Derek frowned. "Who?"  
"Well Karen of course", Ivy said like it was obvious.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Oh come on Derek, we all heard what he yelled and it wasn't the most pleasant conversation."  
"But how was it Karen's fault? Josh was drunk", Derek asked raising his voice a bit.  
"Of course it was! She must have done something that got Josh so angry", Ivy said.  
"I don't understand you", Derek said and got up. He didn't want to hear any more of this. "I'm going now. See you tomorrow", Derek said and threw some money to the table for the bill.  
"Derek wait", Ivy tried but Derek had already marched out. Ivy was wonderful and nice. And then sometimes she was like this.

"Hey", Karen greeted smiling. "I thought that you were out with Ivy." Derek hadn't meant to walk to Table 46 but here he was.  
"I was", he replied shortly and sat down.  
"I didn't cause too much trouble today?" Karen asked.  
"No. Josh caused", Derek said. "It wasn't your fault."  
"Well, I feel guilty anyway", Karen sighed.  
"Oh darling", Derek said and smiled sadly. "You are probably the kindest person I know, you'd never hurt anyone on purpose."  
Karen laughed and said: "On purpose… Thanks a lot but at least you cheered me up."  
"That's because I don't want to see you sad. It makes me sad too and my inspiration to work disappears", Derek said. Derek frowned to his thoughts. It was true, wasn't it? Seeing Karen happy and full of life always made him feel better.  
"So, have you decided whether you're going to tell about the baby or not?" Karen asked and Derek shrugged.  
"Ivy didn't want to tell and I think it's for the best too."  
"Probably", Karen agreed. "Are you sure that they're going to find someone to replace Josh?"  
"I hope so because this musical is something I really want to do", Derek said and smiled. He had so clear picture in his mind of this.  
"I hope so too", Karen said.  
Derek turned to her and said a bit concerned: "But if they don't, I don't want you to blame yourself. This was, in no way, your fault."  
Karen gave a laugh and replied: "Understood." Derek loved her laugh. He frowned again. Yes, he did love her laugh and smile.

Karen felt a bit sick, but it wasn't because of the alcohol.  
"I think I might head home", Karen said and got up.  
"I'll walk you", Derek said like always. Derek didn't even know how much his words had cheered her up. She felt a bit dizzy. It was probably nothing.  
"Good night Derek", Karen said.  
"Good night love", Derek said and kissed her forehead. "Karen, you're burning hot", he said and tried her head with his hand.  
"It's probably nothing. I just need sleep", Karen said and smiled.  
Derek frowned and said: "Fine, but I don't want you to get sick now."

Karen woke up sweaty and feverish. She almost thanked Josh for his stupidity because there were no work today. She should just rest. Karen tried her throat and sang few notes. It was fine, she had just fever. Karen got up slowly and moved to the couch. She didn't want to lay in bed all day. It was 11 o'clock anyway. Karen frowned at the buzzing noise.  
"Yes?" she replied to the intercom.  
"You're not replying to your phone", Derek's voice said.  
"Oh, sorry. I just woke up. I thought that we didn't have work today."  
Derek was silent for a moment and said then: "We don't, I just wanted to check up on you."  
Karen smiled and asked opening the door: "Do you want to come up?" Soon Derek knocked and Karen opened the door. Derek stepped in carrying something.  
"Are you still feeling sick?" Derek asked and Karen nodded.  
"Well I have fever but it'll pass."  
"I brought you soup", Derek mentioned and put a little plastic bag to the kitchen like it was something he always did.  
"You didn't have to", Karen started and sat on the couch but her stomach gave her away.  
"You haven't eaten yet?" Derek smiled and Karen shook her head. "Here, it's warm", Derek said and gave her the soup. Karen took it still a bit confused.  
"You came here to give me food?"  
"I didn't mean to but I thought you might like it", Derek said. He didn't quite know himself why he had come but he had felt concerned about Karen. She hadn't looked so good yesterday. "Actually I had something to tell you too. Fred Mellow is going to take Josh's place", Derek said and sat down.  
"That's great", Karen said eating the soup. "We can continue tomorrow then?"  
"If you're better", Derek nodded.  
"I'm sure I'll be fine", Karen smiled.  
"Do you need anything else?" Derek asked and Karen almost blushed. It was weird to have someone looking after her.  
"If you're not busy, could you keep me company?" Karen asked carefully and Derek smiled.  
"Sure love."  
Karen smiled back but said then: "Oh, you don't want to stay."  
"What makes you say that?"  
"We don't talk sober outside work and I don't have anything to drink."  
Derek laughed and said: "Well it's about time to fix that."

At the end of the day Karen felt better and Derek kissed her for goodbye.  
"Your fever is down, good", Derek noted.  
"Night Derek."  
"Night darling. See you tomorrow." Derek left smiling.

"Next we have Iris's song to Fiona."

Maria Mena: Takes one to know one. Youtube: watch?v=yi88aMthmjo  
[B]

Derek had been with Karen yesterday. He had been with her the whole day. Ivy felt jealous, of course she did. Who wouldn't? Karen had to be there, she was always there. Ivy remembered when she had said to Derek that he'd always have a Karen but she hadn't thought it would always be Karen. She had even thought that maybe Derek would have been only hers. Ivy felt sick again.  
"Ivy, what are you doing? Concentrate!" Derek yelled. She couldn't concentrate. The image of Karen and Derek was stuck in her head.  
"Oh bloody hell, stop it! Let's take a five people."

[E]

Ivy drank little water from her bottle and Derek walked up to her.  
"What is it now Ivy?" Derek asked.  
"It's her. I cannot concentrate around her. We argued and you went to Karen. Why don't you just be with her? Why are you with me anyway", Ivy said silently.  
Derek sighed and said: "Oh Ivy. I am with you because I want to. You shouldn't think like that. I love you, you know that." Ivy smiled and felt already a bit better.

"Let's take it from the top!" Derek shouted and sat down. Why had those words sounded so empty? 'I love you.' Why they had sounded so empty?


	9. If I could recklessly love

**Chapter 9 If I could recklessly love**

_I have fought with this chapter for a couple days now and I'm still not happy but it's not going to get any better…_

"You're going to catch a cold out here, again", Derek said sitting next to Karen.  
Karen smiled to him and said: "I needed some fresh air. Why are you here?"  
Derek shrugged and replied: "Maybe I needed fresh air too." He had fought with Ivy again. These last days had been nothing else but fighting and accusation of him and Karen. He needed a break.  
"She'll calm down. You love each other. It'll work out", Karen said. There it was again, love. He did love Ivy, didn't he? Why else would he be with her? She did make him smile. 'But not like Karen', he heard himself think. What Karen was to him? She was his muse and friend. Did he want her to be more? No, that was ridiculous.

Karen sneezed.  
"You're cold", Derek said frowning like he so often did. Few wrinkles appeared to his forehead and Karen just wanted to make them go away. "Here. Take my jacket", Derek said and gave Karen his leather jacket.  
"Thanks", Karen smiled. The jacket smelled like him. "Do you want to talk about it?" Karen asked.  
"No. How's everything going with you?" Derek said and smiled but he still looked a bit sad.  
"Fine I guess. Nothing has really happened", Karen shrugged and asked: "Want to go to Table 46?"  
"Sure."

Natasha Bedingfield: Wild horses. Youtube: watch?v=OWIVi_Oa4as  
[B]

His smile made her heart flutter. Karen couldn't wait for this musical to be over, so she wouldn't have to be with him every day and see him be with Ivy. They looked happy, even now, when they were fighting, they always found something that made them smile. She should be happy for them but she couldn't. Not yet at least. She'd need time to bury and forget about her feelings for Derek.  
"Karen, back to Earth. What were you thinking?" Derek smiled and Karen shook her head.  
"Oh, nothing", she replied but she couldn't help blushing a bit.

Derek watched Karen and smiled. Karen was something he cared about, he knew that. But so was Ivy and the baby. Derek didn't want to fall back to his old habits. He wanted to be better than he had been. Karen had said he was a good man but he wasn't as good as she always claimed. His thoughts were a mess and he didn't even know if he wanted to find what he was looking for. What was he looking for? What did he feel for Ivy and Karen?

"What does being in love feel like?" Derek said suddenly.  
"What? Why are you asking?" Karen asked confused.  
"No reason, just, just answer me", Derek shrugged.  
Karen was a bit confused. Was he drunk? Karen knew how it felt. Just sitting here made her feel that way. She frowned. Yes, she really was in love with Derek. Inevitably and hopelessly in love. Karen sighed when she realized it. 'I really should just become a nun', she thought and said then: "I don't know how to describe it. I guess it feels a bit different depending on the person but for me… My heart races and I get butterflies every time I see him. His smile and smell and everything about him is something I will miss if I'm not around him. I trust him, I could never hurt him and I want to be with him. But why are you asking me? I'm not exactly the person to be asked relationship advice from."  
"Well I'm not either but we talk to each other about our relationships so…" Derek smiled and asked for another glass.  
"Why were you asking? Tell me", Karen asked.  
"I don't know", Derek said frowning a bit.

Derek stared at the bottom of his glass and kept thinking about Karen and him.  
"Why didn't we sleep together that night?" he asked.  
Karen looked at him for a moment and replied: "Because we were drunk and I still loved Jimmy. We avoided the drunken mistake."  
Derek smiled and said remembering the night: "And I didn't want to sleep with you like that either, not when you were drunk." He was silent for a moment. He had wanted to sleep with her. Did he still want that? Of course not. He wanted to be better than that.

"What do you think would have happened if we had slept together?" Derek asked and glanced at Karen. Karen felt her heart beat faster.  
"Maybe nothing. Maybe something. I don't know", Karen said. What would have happened to her and Jimmy? Would she ever have been with him? Jimmy felt so distant right now, like he never had existed.  
"I hope something would have happened", Derek said quietly and Karen blushed.  
"I should probably head home", Karen said and got up. If she would be here any longer, it wouldn't be good.  
"I'll walk you."

[E]

They both stood at her front door. Karen didn't want to go but she knew she had to.  
"Good night Derek", Karen wished and Derek pulled her a bit closer. They looked at each other's eyes and she felt butterflies in her stomach. He was about to kiss her.  
"Let's avoid another drunken mistake", Karen whispered and Derek nodded silently.  
"Good night love", Derek said and kissed her gently on her forehead. Karen opened her door. "Karen wait", Derek said and she turned to face him. "You know I care about you."  
"I know. I care about you too. But you're with Ivy now and you love her", Karen replied.  
"I'm with Ivy", Derek verified. Karen smiled sadly, closed the door behind her and climbed up to her apartment. Karen sat down next to a wall and kept thinking about Derek. He hadn't said he loved Ivy but that was probably just false hope.

Karen knocked on the bathroom booth.  
"Ivy, are you okay? We have to get started."  
"Go away Karen", Ivy said. She felt sick again. "How can you always be so happy? Don't you ever feel sick or sad?" she snapped.  
"Come back when you're ready", Karen replied. She didn't want to get on Ivy's nerves.

Karen stood for a moment outside the rehearsal room leaning to a wall. Did she ever feel sad? Ivy didn't even know. Just being in a same room with Derek made her feel sad and happy at the same time.  
"Here you are. Where's Ivy?" Derek said opening the door.  
"She's coming", Karen replied.  
"About last night", Derek started and Karen interrupted saying: "I know, you were drunk. Let's not talk about it."  
Derek frowned and said: "Karen? I just wanted to say that I meant what I said. I really did but things just are…"  
"Complicated."  
"Yeah."


	10. Easy now my dear

**Chapter 10 Easy now my dear**

_I was celebrating Midsummer at my relatives but now I'm back and here's the next chapter. And this is the theme for this: Ronan Keatning: Easy now my dear. Youtube:_ watch?v=inBiGFW4qpY _Enjoy!_

They hadn't talked about it after that one morning. Maybe in another world things would have gone differently, maybe Derek could love her but not in here. 'We are just friends and will never be anything more.' Karen kept repeating those words in her head over and over again and she believed them. She couldn't fantasize over Derek forever. Ana had fixed up a date for her tonight. She didn't really want to go but it would be a start.

"Karen", Derek smiled and Karen turned around.  
"I'm not coming to Table 46 tonight", Karen replied before Derek even asked.  
"Oh, why?"  
"Ana set me up with some guy."  
"You have a date?" Derek asked and frowned a bit.  
"Yeah, I guess", Karen shrugged.  
"Oh. Okay. Have fun", Derek wished and turned to leave. "And Karen", he started.  
"Yes?"  
"If that date of yours happens to be one of those idiots and weirdoes just text me and I'll save you", Derek smiled and left. Karen watched him for a moment. Surely that was nothing more than pure friendship. That's what friends do. She sighed heavily and packed her back. She was in a hurry anyway.

Derek felt concerned for her. He didn't want her to get hurt anymore. He hadn't really thought about the meaning of his words. He knew he had meant it when he said he cared about her. He just couldn't think about it too much. He didn't want to be the one who hurt her either.  
"Are we going out tonight?" Derek asked from Ivy.  
"Yeah, sure", she smiled. Ivy had looked tense all day and Derek wanted to make her feel better. He had asked if something was wrong but she hadn't answered.

"I'll come back in a minute", Ivy said and got up. Derek nodded and glanced at his phone. Karen hadn't texted him so she was probably having a good time. It made him feel kind of funny. A bit jealous which was stupid. He didn't exactly have the right to be jealous. His phone beeped and he picked it up.  
_"Would it be suspicious if I left because of a headache?"_ Karen texted.  
Derek gave a laugh and typed: _"Where do you find those guys?"  
"Ana found him. Don't blame me."  
"Do you need my help? I could call you and you could pretend it's something urgent", _Derek texted and put the phone away when Ivy came back.  
"Who were you texting?" Ivy inquired.  
"Just an old friend. I might have to make a call in a moment but it's not going to take long. Okay?"  
"Yeah sure. Our food's still not here?"  
"No", Derek answered. His phone beeped again.  
_"Yes thank you."  
_"This is just going to take a second. I'll be right back", Derek said and got up stepping a bit further back. "Hello", Derek said when Karen picked up.  
"Karen Cartwright."  
"You're an actress, act", Derek grinned.  
"What? Really? I'll be right there", Karen said sounding worried.  
"You're welcome", Derek smiled and hang up. This was stupid. He didn't have to do that but he had still wanted to. She could have just left with the excuse of a headache. Derek sighed. Sometimes he was just stupid.

Derek stood next to Karen before the rehearsals leaning to a wall.  
"What did he do?" he smiled and Karen answered: "He listed all the bad qualities of his exes and talked about his mother, a lot. Then he mentioned his ten cats and I wanted to get out of there." Derek burst into laughter.  
"It's not funny", Karen said but started laughing too.  
"He was a crazy cat lady. It's a bit funny", Derek smiled.  
"Maybe if he hadn't been the most sane person I have dated in a long time", Karen said and sighed.  
"Well, you'll always have me", Derek smiled and kissed her head.  
"That's the thing Derek. You have me, but I really don't have you. Ivy has", Karen said and looked a bit sad.  
Derek frowned a bit and said silently: "You're my muse Karen. I'd do anything for you." Derek frowned again when he realized it. He really would do anything just to make her happy. Derek coughed a bit and shouted: "Okay. Let's start!"

Ivy came to the room and spotted Derek and Karen laughing. Derek was so irritating. He was always with her. Usually he was sweet and caring but whenever he was with Karen, it was like everybody else disappeared. Ivy sighed and tried not to feel sick. He did try to make this work so he wasn't all that bad. If Karen hadn't been here it all would be so different.

"Karen and Fred, if you please", Derek said and sat down. Fred was better for the part than Josh. Derek watched the scene and he saw the lights and the costumes. And her. He saw Karen standing on the stage like he had seen countless times before. She was something he couldn't ever let go. He felt a sting of guilt and glanced at Ivy. He did love Ivy. Well, he wasn't so sure anymore.

Ivy sat on the couch drinking tea. Derek sat next to her reading something.  
"You still haven't gotten the glasses?" Ivy noted.  
"No", Derek frowned. "I'm going to take a shower", he said and got up. Ivy smiled to him and dug up his phone when he disappeared to the bathroom. He never texted anyone. Last night Ivy had seen him text for a while to someone. She just wanted to know… Karen. Just her name on the screen. Karen?! He was out with her, and he texted with Karen? She didn't even want to know what they had texted about. And it was just Karen. Not Karen Cartwright, just, Karen. Ivy put the phone back and drank the rest of her tea. This had to stop. Karen had to stop this. Why did she always have to ruin everything?

Derek came back to the room putting his shirt back on.  
"Ivy? Is something wrong?" Derek asked looking worried. Ivy sat on the couch like she had just seen a ghost.  
"Yes. You", she said and Derek stepped back frowning a bit. Ivy glanced at him angrily and said: "I can't take this anymore. You have to stop doing this. It's either me or Karen. I don't want you to be with her anymore!"  
Ivy's voice rose higher and Derek answered to the shouting: "Oh come on! Not this again! How many goddamn times do I have to tell you that there is nothing going on between me and Karen!"  
"How stupid do you think I am?! You're texting with her while we're out! You're laughing with her and kissing her more than me!"  
"You looked at my phone?!" Derek yelled now really angry.  
"Yeah, why wouldn't I? I don't want to find out that you're cheating on me after Karen is pregnant too!"  
"Oh, that's low. Well maybe I do want to kiss her more than you because she's not full of poison!" Derek shouted. He was so tired of this stupid arguing all the time. Well, he did kiss Ivy more than Karen to be fair. Ivy was just angry and so was he.  
"We're having a baby Derek! Or maybe that's the only reason you're with me and not with the perfect sweet Karen!"  
"Bloody hell Ivy! Nothing, and I mean nothing has ever happened between me and Karen!"  
"Yeah but it might as well have!" Ivy cried and she sat back down, weeping.  
"Ivy… She is just my friend", Derek said calming down a bit. "And she's my muse but it doesn't mean that I love her", he continued and frowned a bit. It sounded funny in his head.  
"It means that she'll always be there. I cannot be just another woman. You have to make a choice Derek. It's me or her. You can be friends with her but nothing more", Ivy said and looked at him.  
"Ivy… I love you, you know that", Derek said and frowned again. How could it sound so different when he talked of those two?  
"Me or her Derek. But if you choose her, don't bother coming back. Tomorrow evening. I want to know tomorrow", Ivy said and pointed at the door.

Things really were complicated. There had been a time when he had started to feel, feel something for Karen but then there was Jimmy. Then Ivy came and… How can a heart be pulled to two directions like this? He couldn't just ignore the feelings he had for Ivy, whatever they were and he couldn't ignore his feelings for Karen. Whatever they were. She was just his muse. 'No she's not' he heard a thought in his head.  
"I'm a bloody idiot", Derek sighed. "I have to always be like this. I haven't learned anything."

Derek walked to her house.  
He rang the doorbell and she answered: "Yes?"  
"Hi", Derek greeted.  
"Hi."  
"Want to let me in?"  
"Sure."

_Thanks for all the comments, they always help me keep writing and give me important feedback._


	11. Let her go

**Chapter 11 Let her go**

"I'm a bloody idiot", Derek sighed. "I have to always be like this. I haven't learned anything."  
"Haven't learned anything from what?" a familiar voice asked. He had walked to the park and of course Karen had to be there too.  
"Just… Nothing. I just had a fight with Ivy", Derek sighed and they sat down to a bench.  
"Derek, you can tell me everything. You know that", Karen said and Derek smiled sadly.  
"I know, love. There's just not much you can do to help."  
"I can listen."  
Derek looked at her worrying eyes and said: "I don't know what I should do. Ivy, she… Well I don't even know. We fight all the time and she's mad about you. She wants me to choose between you and her but how can I let you go. You're my muse Karen. How can I let you go?"

Karen sighed. This was so hard.  
"But you can't just let her go either. You still have feelings for her. You can't abandon your future with her just for me Derek. Can you?" Karen said.  
"I, I don't know Karen. You still mean a lot to me."  
"But I'm not the one you love", Karen said sadly. She knew she wasn't.  
"This is what I meant. I always do this. Mess up my relationships with everyone", Derek sighed.  
"We all do that but we fix them. You used to run away but you don't want to, not anymore. Derek, you're a good guy, you just don't know it. You care about other people no matter how hard you try to convince otherwise. You'll sort it out."  
"But Karen", he whispered, "what if I don't know which one is the right choice? What if I can't let you go?"  
Karen kissed Derek on the cheek smiling and said: "You'll know. Bye Derek."

"Good night dear", Derek wished and watched her go. Karen kept saying that he was a good guy, like she truly believed it. He had never been a good guy, never the "prince charming" type. Derek laughed a bit. He was just a bitter and stupid old man. When he had started to care this much? Hit list. That had changed everything.  
"Oh bloody hell", Derek sighed and went home. He had to get some sleep. Maybe his thoughts would be clearer tomorrow.

Karen lay on her bed staring at the ceiling. What if Derek would choose her over Ivy? She didn't want to break them up but it would be his choice. But would it be fair? This was just a misunderstanding. Ivy thought that Derek was with her. She had the right to be jealous but couldn't she just trust Derek? Derek did still love Ivy, it was clear. And like he had said, she was just his muse. Karen wiped a tear away and gave a laugh. Good job forgetting him. If Derek would choose her could she feel like it wasn't her fault? The whole argument between those two was her fault. It was stupid to pretend nothing had ever happened. She was in love with him. Everything had happened. Karen sighed. She wanted him to choose her but he wouldn't. She was his muse and eventually he would find someone else for that job. Ivy was his future.

Derek frowned because of a headache.  
"Are you all right?" Karen asked sitting next to him. Almost everybody had left already and Derek was reading the script. There were few things that bothered him.  
"Just a headache", Derek said.  
"Weren't you complaining about reading glasses a while back? You still haven't gotten them", Karen noted.  
"No, I haven't'" Derek sighed. "So what? I'm fine."  
Karen gave a laugh and said: "You're so stubborn. Why can't you just get them?" Derek glanced at her and shrugged.  
"I don't know. I'm not a fan of glasses I guess." Karen laughed again and Derek frowned.  
"What is so funny?"  
"Nothing. I just love you, you silly man", Karen said and fell silent. Derek looked at her. He wasn't sure what she had meant by that. "You should get the glasses", Karen said and got up smiling again.  
"I will", Derek promised. Could she really love him or had she just said that? And did he love her? Karen was right though. He had loved Ivy at some point and he did still feel something for her but he didn't know if it was love. He cared about both of them. Who did he love?

"You have to choose tonight?" Karen asked and sat down next to Derek. He glanced at her and nodded. "Is drinking really going to help?" Karen asked looking at the glass before him.  
"I'm not drinking. It's water. I just wanted to talk to someone", Derek sighed.  
"So you haven't made up your mind yet?" Karen asked.  
"Kind of. I just… Couple of years back I wouldn't have even had this kind of problem but… How do you do that?"  
"Do what?" Karen asked looking puzzled.  
"Make the men around you want to be better. I want to be better than I was", Derek said.  
"I haven't done anything", Karen smiled and added: "You are like that Derek."

_Passenger: Let her go.__I prefer Gavin Mikhail's cover of this, but I couldn't find it on Youtube so if you have a chance to listen to it, please do. Original: _ watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA  
[B]

Karen kept saying that. That he was a good man. She was like a light that tried to pull him away from the dark. He wanted to do it for her. If he would choose otherwise she would get hurt. It was a choice a good guy would do. If he would choose otherwise he would eventually end up hurting Karen. He would hurt her like he was hurting Ivy now. He had to make things right and he had to be the man Karen thought he was. Karen loved the good side of him but he couldn't be good if he was with her and if he was good, he couldn't be with her.  
"You chose Ivy", Karen asked smiling and Derek nodded. "We'll be just friends then and Ivy will be your muse", Karen said and got up. "I have to get home and you have to go to Ivy." Derek looked at her. '_Just friends'_. The words echoed in his head. How could it be so painful to let her go?  
"Good night my dear", Derek smiled sadly.

Derek walked to her house. He rang the doorbell and she answered: "Yes?"  
"Hi", Derek greeted.  
"Hi."  
"Want to let me in?"  
"Sure."

"You didn't use your key", Ivy said when she opened the door.  
"No", Derek said.  
Ivy smiled a bit and said: "I didn't think you would come."  
"I said that she was just my friend didn't I?" Derek said and stepped in. He kissed her gently and added: "And I said I love you."  
"You did. I'm sorry", Ivy smiled and hugged him. "I love you too."  
Derek smiled a bit. Being the good guy hurt so much. He knew now why his words to Ivy had sounded so empty. '_I love you'._ He wholly realised it just now. Simply because they were.

"I hate these parties", Derek sighed and Ivy laughed a bit.  
"It's publicity. We have to advertise our new musical", she said. Ivy looked so radiant and happy. She probably was but he felt like he had lost something. He had. Well, he did feel a bit happy. He knew this was the right choice for the baby and for Karen. She would find someone good enough for her who she could love for the rest of her life.

He could be happy. He could be happy with Ivy and he'd love the baby. Life wasn't always fair.  
"I'm coming back in a minute. Don't run away", Ivy smiled. Derek nodded and glanced around the room. The whole cast was here. Karen was laughing with her friends and Derek smiled.  
'_What does being in love feel like?'_  
'_My heart races and I get butterflies every time I see him. His smile and smell and everything about him is something I will miss if I'm not around him. I trust him, I could never hurt him and I want to be with him.'_  
"I don't have to ask anymore Karen", Derek said hiding his silent words behind a glass of whiskey. "And I could never hurt you."

[E]


	12. Secrets

**Chapter 12 Secrets**

"I have to go to the maternity clinic today."  
"I remember. Want me to come with you?" Derek asked.  
"No, it's fine. It's just a routine check", Ivy smiled. "I'll just have to leave the rehearsals a bit early. Is that okay?"  
"Of course it is", Derek smiled. Ivy had been in a good mood lately.

Karen stared at her image in the mirror. She had known this was going to happen. And still she hoped he would have chosen her. Still, Derek's words bothered him. It was probably nothing. Karen laughed to herself. He still made her heart flutter. '_My dear'_

"So you're in good terms with Ivy again?" Karen smiled.  
"Yeah", Derek answered and glanced at her. They were on a break and Ivy was talking to few members of the cast.  
"I said you'd know who to choose", Karen said.  
"You did", Derek nodded. He did know who he had to choose and he knew who he wanted to choose. It was the right choice and it was the wrong one. "About the other day. You said you loved me but did you just say it or?" Derek asked suddenly.  
Karen stared at him for a moment and answered: "Well, I meant it but you know, you're my friend so of course I love you." Derek nodded and frowned a bit.  
"I thought so."

Karen watched at him for a moment. Why did he bring it up now? But she couldn't say it. Not now, not ever. Derek was frowning there and Karen smiled a bit.  
"Derek, could you come here!" Patrick shouted. "I have to ask something about that script."  
"Yeah sure", Derek answered. "See you later my darling", he smiled to Karen and walked away. There it was again. _'My'_ Karen smiled. He probably hadn't even noticed it.

The rehearsals were over and Karen was packing her bag.  
"Karen, are you coming to Table 46 tonight?" Derek asked.  
"I guess but haven't you got a date with Ivy or something?"  
"Apparently not. She was at the clinic and then she texted me that she was too tired, so I'm free."  
"Great", Karen smiled.  
"And I have something to show to you", Derek added.  
"Oh, what?" Karen asked. Derek laughed a bit and reached to his pocket pulling out a pair of glasses. Karen gave a laugh. So he got those glasses. Well, he had promised.  
Derek put them on and smiled: "I'm going to hate these." Karen looked at him for a moment and smiled.  
"Actually they suit you surprisingly well", she said.  
"No they don't", Derek laughed.  
"Yes they do. Now, let's go. I have to change clothes", Karen smiled.  
"And I'll walk you", Derek added and put the glasses away.

"But that's not possible. I mean… How can that happen?" Ivy asked confused.  
"Sometimes it just happens. It's perfectly normal."  
"But there was no bleeding or anything", Ivy said starting to cry.  
"Sometimes there aren't any signs. I'm sorry but apparently you had a miscarriage few weeks ago. What you can do now is just to recover and be with the father and your friends. You're still young. You can always try again", the doctor said. Ivy nodded silently and picked up her phone. '_Be with the father_.' She should text to Derek.  
_'Could you come here?_' Ivy typed and looked at the message. She deleted it. Ivy didn't even know why. _'I'm a bit tired so let's cancel tonight._' She didn't want to tell Derek yet. Losing the baby… losing Derek's baby. She had wanted to have Derek's baby and what now? Would he really want to have another baby with her? This time on purpose. Would he even want to be with her?

Karen laughed.  
"You didn't actually say that?" she asked.  
"I did", Derek smiled.  
"How could you? You are horrible", Karen stated but she couldn't stop laughing.  
"I know I am", Derek laughed back and took a sip from his glass. Karen smiled and shook her head. "What?" Derek asked.  
"Nothing", Karen smiled. It was funny how Derek thought he was the worst kind of human being. "You just seem to think that you're an awful person", Karen said.

"Sometimes I am", Derek said silently.  
"We all are", Karen smiled.  
"You're not", Derek frowned and Karen laughed.  
"I am too. I almost broke you and Ivy up."  
"No you didn't it was our own fault."  
"No it wasn't. I was the third wheel and I still kind of am. Ivy probably wouldn't like that we're hanging out like this."  
"Karen stop that. Ivy can think what she wants. We're just friends. Nothing has ever happened, right?" Derek said and Karen smiled sadly.  
"Well, I don't think we can call it nothing after all", Karen said.  
"Maybe not but still, Ivy can't just order me not to see you anymore", Derek frowned and Karen smiled saying: "Wouldn't it be better for you two? That we wouldn't hang out this much."  
"No", Derek said quickly. "No", he said again and Karen stared at him.  
"Why not?" Derek looked at her for a moment. Because he didn't want to lose her. Eventually Karen would find someone but for now he didn't want to lose her. He could be happy with Ivy and the baby but he had to see her smile. He had to know she was happy.

Derek opened Ivy's door silently. He didn't know if she was already asleep. The lights were on.  
"Ivy?" Derek called.  
"Oh hi Derek", Ivy smiled and stepped out from the bathroom.  
"Is everything okay?" Derek frowned. Ivy looked like she had been crying.  
"Oh everything's fine", Ivy smiled. "Well, actually Derek, I have something I want to ask from you", Ivy said and sat down on the couch.  
"Yeah?" Derek said and took off his jacket.  
"Where do you see us in a couple of years?" Derek frowned a bit and sat down.  
"I don't know. I just see us with the baby", Derek shrugged.  
"Do you see us married?" Ivy asked and Derek looked at her.  
"I don't know", he said. Could he get married with Ivy?  
"What do you mean you don't know? Don't you love me enough to marry me?"  
"Ivy, please", Derek frowned.  
"Well do you want to spend the rest of our lives together or not?" Ivy said and her voice began to rise again.  
"Ivy don't start this again", Derek said and Ivy sighed.  
"I'm sorry Derek. I'm sorry. I'm just tired. Please go."

"Hi dad. No, I'm not doing anything. Sure. Yeah. You know what, Ana's calling me. I have to go. We'll talk later okay? Okay. Bye." Karen sighed. Her dad had called. She hadn't even talked about herself and Jimmy. Maybe she should keep in contact with her parents better than this. Well, he was coming to visit sometime soon.

"But he always acts so protective", Karen sighed and Derek smiled.  
"He's your dad. He's supposed to be like that", he said. They both were standing in the hallway waiting for Ivy.  
"Now I have to explain everything to him", Karen sighed again and Derek stroke her cheek a bit.  
"He wants to know what goes on in your life. And he wants you to be happy. It's something I can understand", Derek said and smiled.  
"But I am happy… -ish", Karen said and laughed a bit.  
"Exactly. We want you to be the happiest you can possibly be. We want to protect you from heartbreaks and sorrows", Derek said silently and kissed her head.  
"Are we starting?" Ivy said sharply and walked in.  
"I'm going to hear about that later", Derek sighed.  
"I'm doing it again", Karen said and Derek raised his eyebrows.  
"Stop, Karen. You're not doing anything. What happens between me and Ivy is our business."  
"Let's just go", Karen sighed.

"Ivy and Fred. We want to see emotion this time. Remember Ivy, you're about to get married to this guy and you find out he's cheating."

Maria Mena: Secrets. Youtube: watch?v=RC5WP1UD1Eo  
[B]

Ivy and Derek were sitting in a restaurant. Ivy didn't feel like eating. Would Derek have chosen her if she hadn't been pregnant?  
"I want to talk about yesterday Derek", Ivy started. Derek glanced at her and she continued: "Do you want to get married to me someday?"

Derek sighed. How can you answer that? He did still care about her and he didn't want to hurt her.  
"Maybe. If you want to", Derek said.  
"It's not about what I want. Do you want to marry me?"  
"Aren't things fine just the way they are?" Derek asked.  
"Well do you want to have more kids with me?"  
Derek frowned and said: "I don't think so. No." He couldn't lie about that.  
"So one kid is enough?"  
"Yeah, I guess", Derek shrugged.  
"But you want to spend the rest of your life with me?" Ivy asked. Derek startled a little. The rest of his life. Could he spend the rest of his life with Ivy?  
"Well, I guess I want to give it a try for the baby", Derek said and Ivy stared at him.  
"So when our child grows up and moves out it doesn't matter?"  
"Ivy, I don't know. A lot of things can happen", Derek said. He didn't want to start arguing here.  
"But do you want it now? Why did you choose me if you don't really love me, if you just want to be with me because of the baby?" Ivy asked but she didn't raise her voice.  
"Because I want to try if this will work", Derek said. He did want that. It could work.  
"But do you really love me?"  
"Of course I do", Derek lied.  
"But you and Karen…" Ivy started and Derek glanced at her.  
"Don't start that now Ivy. We are friends. And sure, it's true I still get inspired by her but you can't just order me to stop that", Derek said a little irritated.  
"What if I asked you not to hang out with her anymore?"  
"I'd say that that's not going to happen. Ivy, really there's nothing going on", Derek said.  
"But the way you look at her!" Ivy shouted and then lowered her voice again.  
"Nothing", Derek said emphatically. "If you love me, you have to trust me. I trust you", Derek added and looked at her.  
"How can I trust you when you're who you are?" Ivy asked angrily and Derek sighed.  
"Because", Derek said simply and got up. "I'm going to go now. Here's for the bill", he said and gave some money for Ivy. "You have to think about yourself too. Can you trust me or not? I want to make this work. For the baby and for us", Derek said and left.

Ivy looked at him. They didn't talk so much anymore. He didn't tell her everything. He was hiding something but he wouldn't open up. Did he love her? '_I want to make this work._' What did that even mean? Ivy was about to cry.

[E]


	13. I try to say

**Chapter 13 I try to say**

_Thanks for sticking with me (and Karen & Derek of course) for so long already and thanks once again for all the comments and favourites etc._

Derek and Ivy hadn't talked properly in the past couple days. Derek didn't mind that at all. He needed a break to clear his thoughts. He cared about Ivy but he didn't love her like she wanted him to. But it was the right thing for him to do, to take care of the baby and be with Ivy. And then there was Karen… Maybe he shouldn't be with her so much. He was just tormenting himself and at the same time she was the one thing that convinced him of that he had made the right choice. Besides, like Karen had said, she loved him as a friend. It was stupid to think that the choice he made was between Ivy's and Karen's love when only one of them loved him and it wasn't the one he loved. And if Karen had loved him he would still be here. Trying to change yourself, it's not that easy.

Derek sat in the theatre. They were going to have a preview in a couple of days and they were setting up the stage. They would have their first rehearsals with costumes and proper props on the stage. It was weird how quickly time had passed. Derek sighed. After this musical he and Karen would probably go their own separate ways.  
"I can't believe we're going to have the preview already. It feels like we just started", Karen said behind Derek and he turned around to face her.  
"What are you doing here? We don't need you in another thirty minutes", Derek asked and Karen shrugged.  
"I wanted to keep you company."  
"All right then", Derek smiled and Karen stepped over the seats and sat next to him.  
"So what's new?" Karen asked and Derek shrugged.  
"Nothing. I wish there was something new. For example me and Ivy not fighting", Derek said and sighed. "No! Those belong to the other side of the stage!" Derek shouted. "How about you?" Derek asked.  
"Well my dad is coming to town tomorrow. I think he wants to see the preview", Karen shrugged. Derek smiled a bit when he remembered the last time he met Karen's dad. "Good. You're smiling", Karen said and she smiled too. "You've been frowning too much lately", Karen explained. Derek frowned.  
"Really?"  
Karen gave a laugh and said: "Yes, you're doing it again." Karen kissed Derek's forehead and he smiled.  
"Karen…" Derek whispered and smiled. "What am I going to do without you?"  
Karen smiled and said: "You're going to raise the baby and become a great father."  
Derek sighed and said: "And if I can't do that? If I end up doing something incredibly stupid as usual."  
"You won't. I trust you. And you won't lose me. Ever. I'm going to be your friend no matter what."  
Derek stared at her for a moment and said: "Do you really trust me?"  
"Of course. Why?"  
"No reason. Just asking", Derek replied. It was stupid to compare Karen's and Ivy's words. Ivy didn't trust him and he understood that but Karen did. "Why do you trust me? I have made so many wrong choices", Derek asked and looked at her.  
Karen was silent for a moment and said then: "Because I do. I trust that you won't ever hurt me and even if you do, I'll still…" Karen stopped before she finished the sentence and Derek frowned.  
"Still what?" Derek asked.  
"Nothing. Are those props supposed to be like that?" Karen changed the subject.  
Derek glanced at the stage and shouted: "Bloody hell! Can't you do anything by yourself? I said I wanted that behind the stairs!" Two people ran quickly to make some changes and Derek looked at Karen again. Karen was looking at him but she turned away. Was she blushing? Derek smiled shortly. Of course not.

"Do you know why I chose Ivy?" Derek asked staring at the stage. Karen raised her head and looked at Derek. Of course she did.  
"Of course. You love Ivy and you're about to have a baby", Karen said. She had almost said she loved him. What was she thinking? Was she still trying to break Ivy and Derek up? How could she be so stupid? Derek sighed and glanced at her.  
"Oh my darling Karen", he said and smiled sadly. "That's not the reason."  
"Karen, you're already here! Good! We need to try Iris's outfit on!" a woman shouted.  
Karen stared at Derek feeling confused and shouted back: "Just a minute!"  
"No we're about to start. We have to do it now!" the woman yelled back.  
"I have to go", Karen said and got up still staring at Derek. He smiled and turned to face the stage. What did he mean that wasn't the reason?

What was he thinking? Was he trying to make things more complicated than they already were? Maybe this was for the best.  
"Hi Derek", Ivy said silently and Derek turned around.  
"Hi, Ivy", Derek responded.  
Ivy sat down and said: "I'm really sorry Derek. I know I should trust you but sometimes I just overreact. I want to make this work too."  
Derek looked at her and said: "So we're good?" Ivy smiled and kissed him.  
"Yeah. I have to go and try the outfits."  
"Okay", Derek responded and Ivy left.

_Howie Day: Isn't it obvious. Youtube_: watch?v=wjdLZAgl-WA  
[B]

The rehearsals were over and Derek was sitting at his seat, staring at the stage. He still hadn't talked to Karen or Ivy after morning. He knew now that he did want to tell Karen why he had chosen Ivy and he wanted to hear what she had almost said. And Ivy… It was still the right choice.

Karen heard a knock on the door and then Derek's voice asking: "Karen are you still here?"  
"Yeah. Wait a minute", Karen responded and opened the door. "I didn't know you were still here", she said and sat down. Karen had been sitting there for a while, thinking. Or maybe hiding but now Derek was here.  
"I didn't have time to finish what I was saying", Derek said standing at the door.  
"You didn't", Karen said. Derek sighed and stepped in.  
"You still have no clue, do you?" Derek asked and sat down. What was he talking about? "The reason I chose Ivy", Derek started, "was simply you." Karen stared at him. She was the reason? Derek smiled and continued: "You know that I could never hurt you but the thing is, I always do things like this and eventually I end up hurting everyone. I didn't want to do that for you. I want you to be happy and to find someone to love and I don't want to stand in your way because I would. If I could, I would keep you with me but I can't." Didn't want to hurt her? What was he talking about? Just not being with him hurt. Well, he didn't know that but still.  
"You're not making any sense Derek", Karen said confused. "What are you trying to say?"

[E]

Derek smiled a bit and said: "Isn't it obvious?" He was so deeply and madly in love with Karen. "I lo…" Derek started but he stopped. This was something he had wanted to avoid. Something he didn't want to do anymore. He was with Ivy now and he couldn't do this. He couldn't just say he loved her and then walk away. If he'd say that he would stay, no matter what Karen felt. Derek hated himself for this.  
"You're like a sister to me Karen. I don't want anything to hurt you", Derek said and got up smiling. He couldn't look her in the eyes when he said it. "I have to go now", Derek added and left. Whatever Karen felt for him, was it friendship or not, this was for the best. And a broken heart, well, he deserved it.

Karen stared after him. She had known it. But it still didn't make any sense. Well, it was probably because she wanted him to love her. But still… It didn't make any sense. He loved Ivy but he made the choice because she was like a sister to him? Karen shook her head. _'Stop it, stop it, stop it. You were supposed to forget him. Stop it'_, Karen repeated in her head. The words '_stop it'_ at every step she took. '_You're like a sister_.' Simple as that. She finally knew for sure that he would never ever love her. Then Karen stopped. He had started differently. He had started '_I'_, not '_You're'. _Karen shook her head. So what? She had to stop this. And she had to stop crying over him but of course she couldn't.

Derek opened the door to his apartment. He frowned a bit when he saw Ivy sleeping on his couch. He would have wanted to open a bottle of whiskey and drink it.  
"You're home", Ivy yawned and got up.  
"Yeah. I didn't know you were here", Derek said and smiled a bit.  
"I wasn't going to come but I have to talk to you about something", Ivy said silently and Derek frowned again.  
"What is it?" Derek asked and sat down. What the hell, he could open the whiskey anyway.  
Ivy watched when he poured a glass for himself and said: "Give me one too."  
"You can't drink Ivy", Derek said.  
"That's the thing Derek. I can", Ivy said and started to cry.  
"What do you mean?" Derek frowned.  
"I lost our baby", Ivy cried. Derek stared at her.  
"What?"  
"I lost our baby. The doctor said I had a miscarriage." Derek watched her and then he put his glass down.  
"Come here", Derek said and closed Ivy in his arms. He had lost Karen and the baby. He felt somehow relieved despite all of the sadness.

Derek held her there for a long time until Ivy stopped crying.  
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you this before. I just. I feared I would lose you. But we can still make this work", Ivy said and Derek smiled. It was true, it wasn't like he was suddenly free. He couldn't leave her like this. Ivy was the one who was his friend, not Karen. And Karen was the one he loved, not Ivy. He couldn't just march out now. He wanted to. But he couldn't.


	14. Love hurts

**Chapter 14 Love hurts**

_It's 3am and I'm writing. And of course I haven't sat in front of my computer the whole day (well, yesterday) waiting for an inspiration. And of course I didn't get the inspiration 15 hours later than I had hoped… And I'm tired so there's probably some things that sound funny, but I just want to upload this now (no idea why, I just do). Well anyway, the end is near :O (I think that is also a part of this chapter's song's lyrics…) Hope you enjoy!_

Derek sat in the corner of his room leaning to a wall. He should get up, it was going to be a long day. It was funny how guilty he felt. Like he had lied to Karen. Well, he had. And Ivy. '_Hey Ivy, now that we're not having a baby, we can just break up, right?_' Derek said in his mind and laughed. Why couldn't it be so simple? Well if he hadn't pretended to love Ivy… But what was he supposed to do? He had wanted to change for the better and make the right choice and here he was again. Derek gave a laugh. He didn't know what to do but Karen probably would have. She always brought up the best in him. Derek smiled and sighed then. If he could take back the words he had said the day before yesterday. Then Derek smiled again. He was behaving like he knew that Karen loved him. When he had said that she was like a sister to him Karen hadn't even tried to say anything else. Stupid. Derek closed his eyes. He was probably like a brother to Karen. Great. Derek got up. He should've slept instead of sitting and drinking on the floor, thinking about Karen. Derek sighed. She would've been in his dreams too. Love was horrible.

Karen stared at her image in the mirror. She hadn't cried at all. Her heart was just aching, breaking into little pieces, but she couldn't cry. She didn't want to do this anymore. She couldn't torture herself like this. She'd had to forget about him. Derek didn't even know what she felt for him but maybe it was for the best. He was having a child with Ivy. And she thought that Ivy had been terrible when she had slept with Dev. What was she even thinking? Love was horrible.

Derek sat in his seat watching the second last scene. It was the wedding scene. They had had some problems with Ivy's white gown and other stuff but it was all sorted out now. He just didn't want to concentrate. Derek didn't want to do this right now. Derek glanced at Karen. She had looked sad when she came here today. She still did but that could be just acting. She looked so lonely at the stage, like she didn't belong there right now. Usually she glowed.  
"Okay, that was fine so far. Let's take a break", Derek shouted. He needed something to keep him awake.

Ivy sat down next to Derek and asked: "Are you all right? You look a bit tired."  
"Yeah I'm fine", Derek said.  
"I was thinking that maybe we could go somewhere tonight."  
"I don't know. I don't feel like it but let's see", Derek sighed. He took a sip from his coffee and glanced at the stage. Karen sat there, on the edge, talking to her friends and laughing. And still she looked so sad. "Let's continue shall we!" Derek shouted.

Ivy went back to the stage. Derek had looked at Karen. He looked like crap. And yet, every time he looked at Karen, his face just lit up. Ivy sighed. He had looked at her like that. He hadn't done that in a long time.

A fine frenzy: Borrowed time. Youtube: watch?v=Ti6jp2ckeHk  
[B]

Ivy shook her head and took her place. Ivy frowned when a thought popped to her mind. She had looked at him like that. She had adored him and loved him so much. But now, she hadn't looked at him like that in a long time either. She wanted to be with him, right? Maybe she just wanted him to be with her.

Ivy looked at Fred. He played the role of a nervous groom well. Ivy smiled a bit. It would be horrible to finally realize what a huge mistake you're making when you're at the altar.  
"I do", Fred sighed. "No, wait, Fiona I want to say something."  
"What is it, can't it wait a moment?"  
"No. I have to say it now. Fiona, I love you and I guess that I learned to love you slowly. I liked your smile and eyes and, well, just you. And I will always love you but… But I don't love you enough for the rest of our lives and you don't either." Ivy took a few steps back.  
"What do you mean?"  
"For a long time we have been together just because we have to. Haven't you noticed? We are the perfect couple, so we can't break up. That's what everyone says, that we're meant for each other. But we're not. I'm sorry but I don't think I could be the happiest for the rest of my life with you. We lie for love Fiona. We lied to ourselves and to others. We lie so we wouldn't hurt the one's we love because I do love you. But I don't love you enough, not as much as you deserve." Ivy felt a tear in the corner of her eye. How horrible it would be to find out that you're making a huge mistake when you're at the altar... Ivy glanced at Derek. It was painful but at least it wasn't too late. They hadn't said 'I do.' She had to give him up.

[E]

"Okay that was good. The final scene if you please", Derek shouted and crossed his arms over his chest. He was a bit worried about Karen. She didn't look like herself. Derek frowned. And she didn't act like it either.

Karen sat in the dressing room. They had ended the rehearsals early and she knew why. She had probably been horrible and they had the preview tomorrow. It was weird. It was almost like Derek hadn't shouted at her so much today. Why was that?  
"Can I come in?" Derek asked through the door and Karen jumped up. She was still in the dress that Iris had in the last scene. Karen sighed.  
"Sure."

Derek stepped in and frowned. He hadn't seen Karen properly today. She looked tired. Karen stood in the middle of the room like she was lost.  
"What's wrong my dear?" Derek asked and stepped a bit closer.  
"Don't say that", Karen said quickly.  
"What?" Derek asked.  
"Don't say 'my'. All though I bet you haven't even noticed it." Derek frowned. He had noticed it but it just sounded natural.  
"Karen, what's wrong?"  
Karen avoided his eyes and said silently: "It doesn't matter."  
"Of course it matters. I haven't seen you this sad in a long time."  
"How do you even know I'm sad. I could be just tired."  
"Because you are", Derek said and stepped closer. "I know you", Derek said and lifted her chin a little.  
"No you don't!" Karen shouted and stepped back. "Don't do that", Karen said and Derek watched at her. She was about to cry. She had looked like this last time when… when she broke up with Jimmy.  
"Karen, is this about the day before yesterday?" Karen looked up at him and she had tears in her eyes. "Oh, sweetheart", Derek sighed. He wanted to wipe them away and make her smile again. Derek said silently: "Karen, you have to know that I love you. And I don't mean just love you, I'm in love with you."  
Karen stared at him for a moment and said: "I don't understand."  
"I am in love with you Karen Cartwright. I couldn't tell you that because", Derek started and fell silent. '_Because of the baby._' But there was no baby. Stupid. He couldn't just think that he could get out of this mess without hurting anyone. He had to talk to Ivy.  
"Because of the baby. I know Derek and I can't do this because I'm in love with you too. But I can't be the third wheel anymore. I don't want to be the other woman", Karen said.  
"No, Karen you don't understand."  
"Derek, I think we shouldn't see each other anymore. Go, and spend time with Ivy", Karen said weeping and she turned to leave.  
"No, Karen wait!"  
"Bye Derek." Then she left. Derek stared at the closed door. Karen had said she loved him. And then he had lost her again. No! No, no, no, no! Derek picked up a glass and shattered it to a wall. No…

Karen walked home desperately trying not to cry.  
"Karen!" she heard a familiar voice yell. Karen pulled a smile on her face and greeted the man standing next to her front door.  
"Dad. What are you doing here?"  
"I thought I'd drop by", he smiled.  
"Have you waited here for long?"  
"No, I just got here." Karen opened the door and let him in.

"Thank you", her dad smiled when Karen gave him a cup of tea. "Now. What's wrong?"  
Karen looked at him for a moment and said: "Nothing."  
"Come on. I know my own daughter better than that."  
"It's nothing. I don't want to talk about it", Karen sighed.  
"Is it about that director, Derek?" he asked and Karen stared at him.  
"How did you know?"  
"I said I know my own daughter. Besides, you're working with him again. Maybe you don't notice it but you seem to light up when you talk about him", he said and smiled sadly. "He's just that kind of guy who breaks your heart."  
"No, he isn't", Karen said and started to cry. _'Not my heart'_, she thought. Derek didn't want to break it.

Karen felt better, at least she could pretend she felt better. Her dad sat at his seat watching the rehearsals. They had the preview tonight so things had to go smoothly. Well, they never did but at least the acting had to go perfectly.

Derek watched the stage. He had to tell Ivy. He should've told her ages ago.  
"Okay, that's it!" Derek yelled. "The preview starts in three hours, so go, eat something but be here on time!" Derek glanced at Ivy and walked up to her.

Ivy sighed. She had postponed this for too long already.  
"Ivy, I have something I…" Derek started but Ivy interrupted him.  
"Wait, Derek. Before you say anything there's something I want to say and please let me speak." Derek crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. "At yesterday's rehearsals I saw you glancing at Karen and no, I'm not mad. It just got me thinking. The way you looked at her… I remembered how we used to look at each other like that and we don't do that anymore. What I'm trying to say Derek, is that I think we should break up."  
Derek stared at her and asked: "You really think so?"  
"Yes", Ivy nodded and Derek smiled.  
"Thank you Ivy. I did love you but…"  
"I know Derek. We had our moments but we don't love each other enough", Ivy said. It felt weirdly right. Like she had always thought so but just now finally realized it. Derek glanced at the stage behind them and frowned.  
"Where did Karen go?" he asked.  
"I think she mentioned dinner", Fred answered.  
"Bye Derek", Ivy smiled and kissed his cheek.  
"Bye Ivy. Be happy", Derek smiled back. If he'd hurry Karen might still be in her room.

Karen sat by her dresser. She had promised to go to eat somewhere with her dad. She forced a smile on her face. It was fine. She'd be fine. There was a photo of her in the Marilyn dress beside the mirror. Karen smiled sadly. '_You are a star'_, Derek had said. He had said it so many times. Karen picked up the photo. He had become so big part of her life and now she had to let him go? The door slammed open and Karen turned around surprised. Derek stood at the door and just looked at her for a moment.  
Then he whispered just a simple word: "Karen."


	15. For the first time

**Chapter 15 For the first time**

_I can't believe it's the last chapter (and so short one). I've had so much fun writing this and I hope you have enjoyed reading. And thank you for everything. For comments and favourites and, well, just reading my story._

"Derek? What is it?" Karen asked confused.  
"You have to let me say something"  
"What is it?" Derek stepped in and closed the door behind him.  
"You didn't let me explain yesterday, Karen", Derek said. "There is no baby. Ivy had a miscarriage."  
"What? Are you okay?" Karen asked and Derek gave a laugh. It was so like her to ask something like that.  
"I am. But Karen, Ivy and I broke up. We decided it was for the best." Karen stared at him for a moment and Derek added: "So I'm asking do you still love me?"

_Katharine McPhee: Terrified. Youtube_: watch?v=un60RISzE-A  
[B]

Karen started to laugh and cry at the same moment.  
"How could I stop loving you, you stupid man?" Karen asked and stood up. Derek smiled and stepped closer.  
"Don't cry sweetheart", he said and wiped her tears away. "I love you Karen. So much it hurts", Derek whispered and closed her in his arms. "Please, don't ever leave me."  
"I won't", Karen smiled and kissed his cheek.  
Derek laughed and asked: "What was that trying to be?"  
"What do you-?" Derek kissed her. He tasted sweet and his arms were warm. She didn't want this to end.

Derek stopped the kiss smiling and said: "We should stop this when I still can."  
Karen laughed and added: "And when I can."  
"I am madly in love with you Karen", Derek said. "You always make me smile, no matter how bad things are." Karen smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
"I'm your muse Derek. That's what we do." Derek smiled and kissed her lips sweetly. "And I love you too Derek."  
Derek smiled and frowned saying: "But we're going to fight and cry. I'm not exactly prince Charming material." Karen laughed and stroke the lines on his forehead.  
"Of course we will. Every couple fights but that's not the end of the world. And Derek, you do realize that you're my prince."  
Derek smiled and said: "But I'm going to be difficult."  
"And I'm going to be difficult too. And I will still love you."

They stood there in silence. Holding each other. Karen listened to his heartbeat. This felt somehow different than before. This felt more right than with anyone else. His smell, his body and his soft voice. It felt right.  
"Weren't you supposed to go somewhere?" Derek asked whispering to her ear.  
"I don't want to", Karen mumbled back. "How could Ivy ever let you go?" Karen asked and smiled a bit.  
"We didn't love each other enough", Derek smiled back. "Because it's you I can love for the rest of my life."  
"You'd better", a man said and they both turned around. Karen's dad was standing at the door. "But if you ever hurt her, you'll answer to me", he said and Derek nodded.  
"I'll keep that in mind."  
"Good. Karen, we have to go in a minute or we don't have time to eat", he said and added pointing at Derek: "Bring him with you." Then he left and Karen glanced at Derek.  
"So I got your father's approval then?" Derek asked and they laughed a bit.  
"You got an invitation to dinner and that's a good start at least", Karen said and kissed him. "So, are you going to walk me there or what?" Karen smiled and Derek offered her his arm.  
"Of course my love."

[E]

_I hope you liked it. I think my work here is done. I wrote another ending and I'm quite pleased with it. (I think I'm going to write and epilogue, so maybe this isn't the end end) Anyway, once again: Thank you all :)_


	16. Freeze this moment

**Epilogue Freeze this moment**

_I personally hate epilogues (usually) but I wrote one anyway… Go figure. If you're like me, you don't have to read it, but it's just something that I wanted to do. For me, it's kind of a goodbye I think. So goodbye Karen and Derek. The song for this epilogue: Ronan Keatning: So easy lovin' you. Youtube: _ watch?v=ocKVZkYfxVY

Karen smiled standing in the middle of a room. There were few boxes and a couch in the corner but otherwise it was empty. The room was almost white and big open windows lightened the room. Karen smiled when she felt Derek wrap his arms around her from behind. Karen was wearing one of his shirts and he kissed her bare shoulder.  
"We still have to unpack everything and buy few things", Derek said and smiled. Karen was wearing a thin diamond ring in her finger and Derek had a silver ring.  
"This is our home now", Karen said and Derek kissed her cheek.  
He had his reading glasses on his nose and wrinkles in the corners of his eyes. Derek grinned and Karen raised her eyebrows.  
"What?" she asked.  
"Nothing", Derek said and lifted her into his arms.  
"Derek, put me down", Karen laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
"I will", he smiled and carried her to the couch.  
"This is the only soft furniture we have here and you have to test it?" Karen laughed.  
"Absolutely", Derek said in a dark voice and kissed her.  
"I love you."  
"I love you too."


End file.
